Day 27 Tuesday April 5, 2011
Wow... I am beginning to realize my life isn't all that exciting... lol... I am pretty much preoccupied with where I am going in life. I definitely try to live in the moment, but that sometimes can prove to be not such a good thing. We all do need to plan for the future, but to a certain extent.
Today I sat there and wondered, "Where is my life going?". What am I supposed to be doing? Now I know I am where I should be. I know God, or whatever entity out there has placed me exactly where I need to be in this moment.....but I wonder why. I spoke with a good friend from high school who still is a great friend today and we talked about her relationship (which we are not allowed to call a relationship), her life, her plans, and so forth and sometimes I feel that people have their stuff together and yet I feel so lost. I do love my job and I am great at what I do (or so I am told at work), but sometimes I feel this overwhelming feeling there is more out there and I am on such a short timeline. I feel a sense of panic and anxiety at times wondering if I need to go elsewhere and do more.
With that being said, that ties into relationships, dating, and sex... With those thoughts of mine, I find I don't necessarily flourish in relationships and I wonder if it is me becoming complacent (which I can't stand) or am I not finding the right people. How can I feel grounded enough to nurture a relationship if I can't stop and start putting down roots somewhere? I am good a caring for people (as long as they don't do a lot of that in return... YES I AM AWARE THAT IS MESSED UP!!! I REPEAT: 3 THERAPISTS AND I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT) but how can I really make a relationship last if I feel I need to grow which might involve moving. I couldn't ask a person to uproot their life for me. I don't think that is fair. I guess that is why when I have been in a relationship, I have given up on my dreams and then I develop feelings of regret for the person and for myself.
If I just date or hook up with people, I can satisfy my need for contact while maintaining a sense of self.... which then I ask, "Is that really healthy for me? Is it healthy for my soul and my energy?". Sex isn't JUST sex... there are a lot of factors to it and if you add vodka, then it is just sex...but without vodka, there is more to it....
Interesting Article on Goals for 2015
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