Day 22 Thursday March 31, 2011
Well Thursday was a hell of a day... I worked all day then went home and was in the mood, so I thought, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!"...so I did and I went and activated my new phone... then I thought, I still need to be out of the house and NOT alone, so I got on the bus and went to the Haight....walked around...still thought I shouldn't be alone so I went to the Castro... Grabbed a beer at a local watering hole and as I was standing there, a very attractive guy kept making eye contact with me and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I knew it would have been a bad idea. My escape you ask?...I pretended my phone rang and I couldn't hear so I took it outside... NEAR MISS!!!
Then a good friend of mine text'd and we met up and went out from there and at the next bar there was a really good looking guy who kept looking over and I recognized him, but from where, I couldn't remember...NOW before any of you go thinking, NO I DID NOT sleep...I wouldn't have mind though if I did. We made eye contact quite a few times and we never spoke...Why? Why didn't I just figure it out? Why couldn't I figure it out? I went into the memory bank of people and nothing... I couldn't remember a thing, but his face.
This leads me to think....Do I think of people as disposable? That answer is..Yes...yes I do. I meet so many people and yet I could care less if they stay in my life. Strange... I know this may sound rude or cold and some of you might be questioning whether you are part of that equation....please don't ask if you are and furthermore, don't take that statement personally or read into it. I have gone to 3 different therapists to figure that out. It is a 100% me thing and a 0% you thing. It has to do with the way I was brought up and how I would escape all of the messed things that happened to me. When I would try to escape my home life and beg for help or protection, everyone ignored me, so I would create a whole world of my own to get away and I was always alone, so you can only imagine I have always done that leaving little to no room for someone to really become part of my life. It's nothing personal, it's how I protect myself. I don't get hurt this way and I don't get let down this way.
I am struggling with the fact I would like to talk about my up bringing but there are people who read this who know my family and I don't want them to think differently of them. I am not protecting or making excuses for anyone but we all have to understand that sometimes people are a product of their environment and instead of breaking that cycle, they ignore it and pass it on to the next generation. I did not want to continue that cycle but saw myself in that direction and that is why I became proactive to not be like certain family members....but I am not perfect in the least bit. I struggle with it everyday. I struggle with the anger and the reactions everyday. That is also another reason why I find it hard to commit to someone at this point. I don't want to end up in a situation again where I am not good to someone or they are not good to me.
FUN TIME!!!!!: So that night...ready for this....I met Andy Cohen... The creator of The Real Housewives shows... and he is shorter than I expected....no really... So he was actually VERY nice and just so kick back and friendly to everyone...especially to a certain couple there...I am not saying anything happened between the 3 of them ;-) ,-) because I wasn't there after they all left together...closely together...they could have gotten some Mexican food, or maybe a slice of pizza, or a churro, or a cookie... I am not here to judge. Just here to entertain.
Normally I would put up a fact about HIV/AIDS but today, I want to put up this link to a movie I saw a few years ago. This movie is not an easy movie to watch but it is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. If you can get this movie or rent it or download it, I highly recommend you do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0aW2aLABc
Well Thursday was a hell of a day... I worked all day then went home and was in the mood, so I thought, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!"...so I did and I went and activated my new phone... then I thought, I still need to be out of the house and NOT alone, so I got on the bus and went to the Haight....walked around...still thought I shouldn't be alone so I went to the Castro... Grabbed a beer at a local watering hole and as I was standing there, a very attractive guy kept making eye contact with me and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I knew it would have been a bad idea. My escape you ask?...I pretended my phone rang and I couldn't hear so I took it outside... NEAR MISS!!!
Then a good friend of mine text'd and we met up and went out from there and at the next bar there was a really good looking guy who kept looking over and I recognized him, but from where, I couldn't remember...NOW before any of you go thinking, NO I DID NOT sleep...I wouldn't have mind though if I did. We made eye contact quite a few times and we never spoke...Why? Why didn't I just figure it out? Why couldn't I figure it out? I went into the memory bank of people and nothing... I couldn't remember a thing, but his face.
This leads me to think....Do I think of people as disposable? That answer is..Yes...yes I do. I meet so many people and yet I could care less if they stay in my life. Strange... I know this may sound rude or cold and some of you might be questioning whether you are part of that equation....please don't ask if you are and furthermore, don't take that statement personally or read into it. I have gone to 3 different therapists to figure that out. It is a 100% me thing and a 0% you thing. It has to do with the way I was brought up and how I would escape all of the messed things that happened to me. When I would try to escape my home life and beg for help or protection, everyone ignored me, so I would create a whole world of my own to get away and I was always alone, so you can only imagine I have always done that leaving little to no room for someone to really become part of my life. It's nothing personal, it's how I protect myself. I don't get hurt this way and I don't get let down this way.
I am struggling with the fact I would like to talk about my up bringing but there are people who read this who know my family and I don't want them to think differently of them. I am not protecting or making excuses for anyone but we all have to understand that sometimes people are a product of their environment and instead of breaking that cycle, they ignore it and pass it on to the next generation. I did not want to continue that cycle but saw myself in that direction and that is why I became proactive to not be like certain family members....but I am not perfect in the least bit. I struggle with it everyday. I struggle with the anger and the reactions everyday. That is also another reason why I find it hard to commit to someone at this point. I don't want to end up in a situation again where I am not good to someone or they are not good to me.
FUN TIME!!!!!: So that night...ready for this....I met Andy Cohen... The creator of The Real Housewives shows... and he is shorter than I expected....no really... So he was actually VERY nice and just so kick back and friendly to everyone...especially to a certain couple there...I am not saying anything happened between the 3 of them ;-) ,-) because I wasn't there after they all left together...closely together...they could have gotten some Mexican food, or maybe a slice of pizza, or a churro, or a cookie... I am not here to judge. Just here to entertain.
Normally I would put up a fact about HIV/AIDS but today, I want to put up this link to a movie I saw a few years ago. This movie is not an easy movie to watch but it is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. If you can get this movie or rent it or download it, I highly recommend you do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0aW2aLABc
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