It's about time I got the man himself up (the video, people, the video.) There is a Day One video, of course, but I can't get that bitch to upload yet. Maybe the file's too big...I don't know. Read the damn blog for all the day one through three stuff and here you go, in J's own words, on Day Four. And yes, it ends very abruptly...there's a reason for that. If you'd like to see the full version, you're just going to have to see me personally. I ain't posting it.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Plaid Party - Jeffrey and Will
Jeffrey and Will share their thoughts on Jason's Lent sacrifice...
Day 4 of Lent - The Plaid Party
Hi Guys!
It's Cameron.
Due to life and lots of technical difficulties, these videos have been quite delayed. Let's see if I can get the freakin' things to load now...
Thanks to all those who participated!
It's Cameron.
Due to life and lots of technical difficulties, these videos have been quite delayed. Let's see if I can get the freakin' things to load now...
Thanks to all those who participated!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
DAY 45!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAY 45 SATURDAY APRIL 23, 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL AT MIDNIGHT IT WILL BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I am writing this close to midnight so I can document today....MY LAST DAY!!! Let's be honest, once I hit midnight, ya'll know I'm gonna be busy....but with whom you ask???.....No one. That's correct, I said no one. I am going at this alone...why you ask??? I think it's the right thing to do.
Today was A LOT of fun!!! Had a birthday brunch, which turned into the most funniest conversations....based on me & how apparently I am a raging whore. It was all done in fun & humor, so no big deal.
Then the date happened....yes Sac guy & I had our first date. We went to coffee & hung out outside at the shop. We hung out for a few hours & it was awesome! Had the best convo & people watched & laughed. I found out some pretty interesting things about him & his life. I have a feeling there is a lot to learn about this cat & that's a good thing. He's very open once he is comfortable talking. For some reason he seems like they type that doesn't share much info unless he has a connection with someone.
So part 1 of the date ended with just a few small & I mean small kisses & a few hugs. Tomorrow, I will go to his house & we're going to the store & I will be making him dinner.
As for now, it's almost midnight & I need to take care of business.... HAPPY EASTER IN 3 MINUTES!!!!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
DAY 44!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 44 Friday April 22, 2011
OH WOW!!! Tomorrow at Midnight is the day!!!!! I am so excited & I have made a decision to be by myself... think I am developing a crush on this guy... Sac Guy.... he is just really different & he makes me laugh...he is kinda dorky & rambles a lot...very cute quality...
So it is getting hard...LOL!!! Not like that...I mean, I am thinking about sex nonstop... LOL... I am so distracted but I worked my ass off today & I am now in Sac hanging with my buddy! Sac guy is gonna be tomorrow (coffee & convo)... then Sunday, I am gonna go over his place, & make him dinner. Now I am also in Sac because my friends are gonna have their baby & I want to help them out with stuff....
So anyhow, I am oddly getting a little sad because this is almost over... feel like I am ending something really cool & fun. So I am trying to think about what I have learned about myself & well I will save that for Sunday!
Alrigfht peeps, I've got stuff to do.... talk to you all tomorrow... PEACE!!! PARTY TIME!!!!
Day 43!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 43 Thursday April 21, 2011
ALRIGHT!!! 2 MORE DAYS!!!!!
Today I am not in the mood at all because today I think....no I know I hurt someones feelings. It was unintentional, but I did it.
I met someone really cool & we planning a time to hang out...not in a dirty way, just a cool way & as we were texting, I didn't mention (I mean to leave this part out) that I was coming to Sac for a date, so during this convo, I mentioned the date as he tried to set a time & basically I made him feel like he was a 2nd resort / back up plan.
This made me sad because I hurt a really nice persons feelings. I never meant to come across that way, but I did & I feel horrible. If I could redo that convo, I would, but I can't. So I am writing this blog to apologize to him. I know you'll read this & I am sorry.
I am always willing to admit when I am wrong & I will eat my own stuff.... So here is my public apology.
I met someone really cool & we planning a time to hang out...not in a dirty way, just a cool way & as we were texting, I didn't mention (I mean to leave this part out) that I was coming to Sac for a date, so during this convo, I mentioned the date as he tried to set a time & basically I made him feel like he was a 2nd resort / back up plan.
This made me sad because I hurt a really nice persons feelings. I never meant to come across that way, but I did & I feel horrible. If I could redo that convo, I would, but I can't. So I am writing this blog to apologize to him. I know you'll read this & I am sorry.
I am always willing to admit when I am wrong & I will eat my own stuff.... So here is my public apology.
Day 42!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 42 Wednesday April 20, 2011
3 MORE DAYS!!!!! SOOOOOO CLOSE!!!!!! so today was a fun day! I am trying to distract myself because it is getting closer. Anyhow, I met up with a few friends & a few people who claim to be friends...lol... anyhow, we all hung out, had some drinks, & had some laughs.
Funny thing about this day is, I am not looking for anything. I mean, I just have no interest in being with anyone or hooking up with anyone. I am looking forward to this weekend! I am going on the date. Not sure what day yet, but I am getting excited. Plus I am excited to get to see the new people I met as well. I am lucky I am staying with a really good friends, because that means, NO FUNNY business.... I am so close!!!!
Really not a whole lot to report here, so I am gonna end this!
LATER!!!
3 MORE DAYS!!!!! SOOOOOO CLOSE!!!!!! so today was a fun day! I am trying to distract myself because it is getting closer. Anyhow, I met up with a few friends & a few people who claim to be friends...lol... anyhow, we all hung out, had some drinks, & had some laughs.
Funny thing about this day is, I am not looking for anything. I mean, I just have no interest in being with anyone or hooking up with anyone. I am looking forward to this weekend! I am going on the date. Not sure what day yet, but I am getting excited. Plus I am excited to get to see the new people I met as well. I am lucky I am staying with a really good friends, because that means, NO FUNNY business.... I am so close!!!!
Really not a whole lot to report here, so I am gonna end this!
LATER!!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Day 41!!!!!!!!
Day 41 Tuesday April 19, 2011
Why can't I sleep???? Is it the anticipation of what's to come??? oh yah... 4 DAYS LEFT!!!!!! Can you believe it??? To tell you the truth, haven't been feeling very sexual at all.... not sure why...just don't....
So Sac guy & I spoke again last night for another 1.5hrs... am beginning to think he is sweet...not good...not good...but the thing I like is I feel absolutely no pressure... I feel no pressure to h date or be with him... I am just enjoying him...LOL...not like that. Now he lived in a certain city for 12yrs which makes me have reservations about him.I don't do well with those people, but he has admitted to falling into certain habits (not drugs) as those people do....but he realized it was never him & he was never happy....he's moved to Sac to start a new life & a real life... I find that commonality because I did the same thing...
I am not sure how I feel....just going along for this ride, but we are going to see each other this coming weekend & I am excited about that.
We have talked extensively about living in major cities & the gay communites that exist within those cities & just how lonely it can be & how there is such a disconnect, lack of real friends, & lack of support. We see things so much alike & it's refreshing to hear someone say what I feel.
So did I tell you I have 4 DAYS!!!!! 4 DAYS TO GO!!!!
Day 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dlay 46 Monday April 18, 2011
ok...I am beyond exhausted today... slept 2.5hrs, got on train @ 430am... went to work as arrived in SF & worked all day. I finally got to rest @ around 8pm...but talked to Sac guy (to avoid saying names & protecting him, will call him "Sac guy"...ya follow?)...well Sac guy called & we spent the next 1.5hrs on the phone talking... oh did mention I have 5 days left?!?!?! 5 DAYS!!! I am s close!!!! this is gonna be a busy week & have a lot to do so am not too worried about any of this week... plus am not going to have much privacy, so I guess that is a good thing....but I digress... so Sac guy & I talked on the phone & we have a lot of the same views on what relationships should be. Also, we have a lot of similar views on douche bags. Over all, had a really nice conversation & a great time talking.
Now there is 1 thing though....he didn't try to talk to me in a sexually way...yah know...ok...if you don't, gay men are known for cutting to the chase & just talkn about business when it comes down to it. Sac guy didn't do that... he actually talked to me...just normal conversation.
Why am surprised???...because don't get to experience that much if at all... I usually get the people who want basically have phone sex...& that's fine & all...hell I'm guilty of that myself...so this different.... it was nice!
so if there are grammatical errors... I don't care!
Now there is 1 thing though....he didn't try to talk to me in a sexually way...yah know...ok...if you don't, gay men are known for cutting to the chase & just talkn about business when it comes down to it. Sac guy didn't do that... he actually talked to me...just normal conversation.
Why am surprised???...because don't get to experience that much if at all... I usually get the people who want basically have phone sex...& that's fine & all...hell I'm guilty of that myself...so this different.... it was nice!
so if there are grammatical errors... I don't care!
Day 39
Day 39 Sunday April 17, 2011
I thought I was going home today but the weather was so good I had to stay. I had brunch with really great friends and then we did a little Sunday funday....which was a really fun day!
OH...did I mention 6 days!!!!!! 6 DAYS LEFT!!! Less than a week... I can feel the freedom. Today was a feast day in the. Catholic religion....*clears throat*... uhhhhh whaaaaaaaat???? Catholics, you're fun!!!
I spent all day talking to really good friends & I met new people. It was a really good distraction from all of this. So the brunch consisted of us waiting an hour for our food...no...not a table, but our food, after we ordered...sex would have gone good with that...wait...what?? Then we went to a club that definitely made me not want to have sex....not even with myself... It was like a damn carnival...not the good one...the one you find in a parking lot of some abandoned
Super K-Mart. Then, followed the beer bust where we had a bunch of straight people come in & hang with us & they were a lot of fun & just so chill & open. Later, I was introduced to someone & we talked for the rest of the night.... I noticed him as he walked in but would have never hit on him because I thought he would have no interest in me...so instead I just talked to him & we had such a great time & he was very funny & really nice. As the night progressed I grew more & more attracted to him because he was so funny & just odd. At one point I said I was going to grab a beer, so I walked away & left him there hanging with someone who I thought he was interested in. He seemed to be into him....so as I was standing there I saw him walk in my direction & he seemed to be looking for something. He eventually saw me & did a little jump/ jolt sorta thing & smiled & said, "I thought you left!". I said, "No. I told you I was getting a beer.". He replied, "I was sad, I thought you left & I didn't even give you my phone number.".... At this point, I was confused...so I said, "uhhhh why would you be sad?". Him, "because I didn't want you to leave.".... So to save you all from this amazing banter, I asked him out & he said, "I have wanted you to ask me all day!"....yah... was shocked, so we have a date set.... and that folks is how ended my Sunday...
Ok... well maybe it ended with us kissing for a while....I said MIGHT HAVE!!!!
Super K-Mart. Then, followed the beer bust where we had a bunch of straight people come in & hang with us & they were a lot of fun & just so chill & open. Later, I was introduced to someone & we talked for the rest of the night.... I noticed him as he walked in but would have never hit on him because I thought he would have no interest in me...so instead I just talked to him & we had such a great time & he was very funny & really nice. As the night progressed I grew more & more attracted to him because he was so funny & just odd. At one point I said I was going to grab a beer, so I walked away & left him there hanging with someone who I thought he was interested in. He seemed to be into him....so as I was standing there I saw him walk in my direction & he seemed to be looking for something. He eventually saw me & did a little jump/ jolt sorta thing & smiled & said, "I thought you left!". I said, "No. I told you I was getting a beer.". He replied, "I was sad, I thought you left & I didn't even give you my phone number.".... At this point, I was confused...so I said, "uhhhh why would you be sad?". Him, "because I didn't want you to leave.".... So to save you all from this amazing banter, I asked him out & he said, "I have wanted you to ask me all day!"....yah... was shocked, so we have a date set.... and that folks is how ended my Sunday...
Ok... well maybe it ended with us kissing for a while....I said MIGHT HAVE!!!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day 38
Day 38 Saturday April 16, 2011
WOW!!! What a fun day!!!! I got to visit with so many good friends and made some new friends... more so.... 1 WEEK LEFT!!!!! 7 days at MIDNIGHT!!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!
Today was such a jam packed day full of fun. I really felt like myself. I felt like I was more in my skin and more me. Being back in Sacramento (although not the most liveliest of towns) feels so good. I feel so grounded here and so in tune. I mean I love SF and all it has to offer, but there is just something about Sacramento that just feels so relaxing and calm. It's a struggle because I am so used to fast paced living and always having an option and Sacramento doesn't always have that to offer....but it feels so good being here.
I was talking to a friend of mine who I was hanging out with and into the night and we talked about how Sacramento is the place you go when you want to settle down. As we talked about it, it made sense. Sacramento is kind of a gay settling ground. There are a lot of gay couples here....a lot...and established gay couples. Couples who have been together for years and years. It's not like San Francisco, where you're in 1 and out of 1 the next few months....now don't get me wrong, there are people here in SF that are in relationships but I have yet to meet a large number of couples who are in a closed relationship. Every couple I know is in an open relationship with the exception of a few... you know who you are and I do too... I don't think I need to say who you are...nor would I...that is not my place.....nor am I judging you. I think you are all in the right place for yourself and doing what works well for all of you.
I have never been in an open relationship....well, I have been involved in them, but I have never had any of mine be open...no, I have just had them cheating on me...in their mine it's open (without telling me), but in my mind they were never open...hahaha.. I am not sure I could ever be in an open relationship. This topic will be saved for the next blog that starts after this one ends.
So I am wondering, when I am ready for a relationship, do I come back here?
AIDS Facts:
People over 50yrs old statistics:
Day 37
Day 37 Friday April 15, 2011
Today was an interesting day...work was awesome and I got on the train early to come to Sacramento and while in route, someone jumped onto the tracks as we were passing and killed himself... well technically the train did, but on his own accord. Needless to say we were on the tracks for quite a while...but have no fear... I had a bottle of champagne in my bag...so I popped that puppy open and enjoyed the waiting.
Once FINALLY arriving to Sac, I was met by a very good friend I was staying with and we went to the grocery store...oh no...don't worry not to get food, but beer and tequila....we were celebrating old times. Now here is where it gets funny and not having sex fits into this because when I meet ridiculously stupid people, I have no desire to have sex because that is why that person is here in the first place....2 people thought it would be a good idea to have sex, and that person was the end product...which rings true that a lot of products should be recalled.
Anyhow, this girl was in the store and starts talking to us and within 5 seconds I was ready to walk away. This girl was so inappropriate...and coming from me....that's bad. She was asking where we were going and I gave the look of, " I will kill the first person who states the truth.". This girl was saying things like, "I am so inappropriate.... I don't care... I say Sh*t, c*ck, f*ck, s*ck, B*lls, P*ssy, C*nt...and so on...I don't care what people have to say." ...yah ...well I do. I do care how I am conducting myself in person....well sober at least.
I looked at my friends and said, "Why is she talking?" I was so mortified. I am all about free speech but come on, this was way over the top and this girl was loud. I feel that's really trashy in my mind. Who really yells that stuff out loud in front of a crowd....so trashy....oh and she said the greatest thing, " I drink Blueberry Vodka, because I do drugs and it help replace the brain cells.... ummm really??? I don't think Vodka does that...but ok...
Some of you may know but some may not....At times it is difficult being gay. We really are discriminated against in some ways and have to fight for equality. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I am always for free speech, be who you are, be happy, and be proud of who you are, but sometimes...ok a lot of the times it's our very own people who gives us a bad name and reputation. I mean, some of these gays act so flamboyantly and act so obnoxious and then they wonder why people discriminate against them. Hell, I discriminate against you too. The loudness, the over the top stuff, the bitchy, angry, argumentative, lame behavior is so a cry for attention. I try my best to be a person who isn't seen for their sexuality, but for who I am. I am one of the gays who wants to be the person who makes others realize we are just like anyone else and their doesn't have to be any separation or classification. We are all the same underneath....except gay people are sluttier...WHAT!?!??! I couldn't let a good moment go without a sarcastic twist.
AIDS INFO:
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/basic/index.htm
I like this because it shows what happens to a White Blood Cell (WBC) when it is being compromised.
AIDS INFO:
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/basic/index.htm
I like this because it shows what happens to a White Blood Cell (WBC) when it is being compromised.
Day 36
Day 36 Thursday April 14, 2011
So I am now in single digit days.... 9 days left. I am going to Sacramento tomorrow and I am really excited!!! I really miss my friends. I haven't been able to reconnect with them since leaving Sacramento so this weekend is much needed and much deserved. Looking back, Sacramento is really where my adulthood began. That's where I stepped away from everything with not a clue of what would happen to me and began building a whole new me. Career, Sexuality, Personality, and so forth. Sacramento always holds a very special place in my heart and so do a lot of the people who live there. So today I look forward to tomorrow.
Part 2 of today:
I learned tonight I am in the wrong profession. It seems as if my look does not match my job. Why you ask?
Guy in bar...or we'll refer to him as GIB for short: Oh and look at this one (referring to me)... He is so cute and so good looking.... You have a face for gay porn....
*me: blank stare....seriously had clue where to go with that*
GIB: (continues) you do!!! Such a handsome rugged face...perfect gay porn face....
Me: *still blank stare.......I still had no clue where to go with that....*
GIB: You'll probably only make $10 an hour because gay men don't get paid much in porn.
Me: $10!!!! an hour?!??!?!?!? .................. I was only going to ask for $6
So folks, it looks as if I am going to have to change careers... I am not going to lie, I have thought about doing porn ...granted after I gained 10-15 pounds of muscle and look great naked, but that comes with a price. How many porn people do you look at and say, "Oh you're datable!"... seriously....yah none..and rightfully so. I know a few of them and they're aren't the most healthy minded people. I don't knock anyone for doing it. Matter of fact, more power to them. If I did do it, not saying I am, but if I did, I probably wouldn't hang out with any of them because I would probably be annoyed....so working with me would be a joy, I am sure... I'd be nice on set, but would throw up the deuce and leave right after...kind of like a 1 night stand.... a taped 1 night stand...with pay and residuals.
Part 2 of today:
I learned tonight I am in the wrong profession. It seems as if my look does not match my job. Why you ask?
Guy in bar...or we'll refer to him as GIB for short: Oh and look at this one (referring to me)... He is so cute and so good looking.... You have a face for gay porn....
*me: blank stare....seriously had clue where to go with that*
GIB: (continues) you do!!! Such a handsome rugged face...perfect gay porn face....
Me: *still blank stare.......I still had no clue where to go with that....*
GIB: You'll probably only make $10 an hour because gay men don't get paid much in porn.
Me: $10!!!! an hour?!??!?!?!? .................. I was only going to ask for $6
So folks, it looks as if I am going to have to change careers... I am not going to lie, I have thought about doing porn ...granted after I gained 10-15 pounds of muscle and look great naked, but that comes with a price. How many porn people do you look at and say, "Oh you're datable!"... seriously....yah none..and rightfully so. I know a few of them and they're aren't the most healthy minded people. I don't knock anyone for doing it. Matter of fact, more power to them. If I did do it, not saying I am, but if I did, I probably wouldn't hang out with any of them because I would probably be annoyed....so working with me would be a joy, I am sure... I'd be nice on set, but would throw up the deuce and leave right after...kind of like a 1 night stand.... a taped 1 night stand...with pay and residuals.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Day 35!!!
Day 35 Wednesday April 13, 2011
So last nights....well... I wouldn't say date.....but for lack of better clarification, I'll say date was really nice. We actually ended up in the same coffee shop prior to our date before even talking. Just a fluke coincidence...he was meeting a couple of people about a project and so I hung around and we then went shopping so he could buy a new pair of jeans....we went to a couple of stores and then decided to get food. There was no parking, so we went around the corner to his house and ordered for the place to deliver. We opened a bottle of wine and waited for the food...while waiting we talked about different things and the events happening....the usual...
So food arrived and we were eating and discussing his work...now what he does for a living is pretty damn cool... I can't say exactly what he does as to keep the confidentiality of this..but 1 of the things he works on happens every 4 yrs...just saying...so he showed me some of his work and he is absolutely brilliant and I have found such a new found respect for him. We listened to music and searched for music and it was really awesome. We then talked about where my family is from and how both my parents immigrated from the islands and we talked about his family. Really interesting family.
and then....he took me home....and not in that way of "took my home"... I mean he dropped me off at home and that was the end of the night...
It was just a fun and sweet date... as far as it going any further, that is a no... he is moving and will be out of the country from June- December and all of next year seeing as their is a certain thing happening next year...
So...my people...still intact with 10 DAYS TO GO!!!! WOOOO HOOO!!!!!
COME ON EASTER!!!!
Day 34
Day 34 Tuesday April 12, 2011
ug these damn allergies are killing me!!!! Good thing I don't feel in the mood because I only have 11 DAYS LEFT!!! almost single digits!!!! I say 11 day because at midnite on Saturday into Sunday I can do this damn thing... alone I am sure... LOL!!!
Anyhow, not much to report since I am not feeling well....so what to talk about....what to talk about... hmmmm... OH!!!! I ran into someone at the grocery store today...someone I used to "hang out" with, who pretty much disappeared as most gays do....so weird... anyhow, he was sincerely happy to see me and I as well. He is a very nice person...so we were talking and he was being flirtatious and then he asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no and he asked why and I said because guys are flaky and wouldn't you know it, he got uncomfortable...REALLY?!?!? REALLY!?!?! Why so uncomfortable? Guys are flaky including him and he knew that.
Here's the deal people, why the hell do you and I am not saying as the reader,...but you as in humanity...why do you get so uncomfortable when you get called out? If you don't want to get called out, then DON'T DO IT! Simple people...simple... I truly feel our society has become so entitled that there is such a blatant disregard for others. Own up to your shit people...OWN UP! I have been called out before by someone I did that to and you know what I said?
"You know what, you're right. I totally blew you off and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or if I have left a bad impression of who I am. I'll be honest, I didn't want anything more because I can't give anything more. it has nothing to do with you...it is simply because I don't want to put effort into anything right now. I know it's a shitty thing to say, but it is the truth and I hope you can at least have some sort of respect for me because of it. I won't feed you crap."
Now I was and probably still am a piece of crap in that guys eyes, but at least I was honest and I can walk away with that and he can walk away with the fact that I had enough respect for not only him but myself to tell the truth and not make up a lame excuse.
So I am having dinner with the grocery store guy tomorrow....WHAT!!! It's just dinner and he knows that...he also knows about this...
Day 33
Day 33 Monday April 11, 2011
What I am about to write happened a couple of days ago, but has not left my thoughts...
I saw a friend out and about and we stopped and talked and he wasn't his normal self and I asked if he wanted to grab a beer and he said yes. So we were talking and I asked where ----- (insert name) was, and he said, "Probably off f***ing someone." ...now I think you get what that word is.... and I wasn't shocked but I said, "Oh..."...yah no, that's all I had...nothing more.
He said, "Don't act like you don't know."
ME: "Oh I know...but what I don't understand is why you put up with it."
Him: "We're gay and that's what gay guys do and I know he cares about me."
Me: "uhhhhh NO...that's not what ALL gay guys do and have you told him it bothers you?"
Him: "Yes"
Me: "Are you retarded?"
Him: "What?!??!"
Me: "Sorry, let me rephrase that...You have told him it bothers you and that you don't want it to continue anymore?'
Him: "Yes"
Me: "and he is still doing it?"
Him: "Yes"
Me: "and you're still with him?'
Him: "Yes"
Him: "Yes"
Me: "aaaaaaaand you're upset because why?"
Him: " because I want this to stop and for him not to do this"
Me: "but you have asked him to stop.. he won't... you tell him how it hurts you...and he continues... you are sad and hurt...but he does it anyway........... Are you following me?
Him: ***blank stare***
Me: "For someone who is smart, I am shocked... Here's the deal... if he truly cared about you, this would all stop...but it hasn't so there is your answer...now what you choose to do with it is up to you... the good thing about all this is...it has nothing to do with you. He obviously has many issues to where he needs to feel constant validation thruogh the acceptance of others. He is a narcissist who finds his own value in hooking up with other people. His upbringing has obviously left some scars that have led him to this point and dictates his actions. You did not do any of this. The fact that he cannot keep it in his pants isn't about being gay or being a guy...it's about what he lacks in self confidence, self worth, and self acceptance. So congrats, he was fucked up before you showed up.... "
Why do people stay in situations that make them so unhappy? I don't care how hot someone is, if they completely ignore my wishes and can't keep it in their pants, we are done. I can find someone just as, if not, more hotter and way more respectful... guys like that are a dime a dozen... I understand there is an attraction that goes beyond just physical, but they is like an addiction and addictions can be beaten...
Here's a little video that made me laugh and is so true...and I have a bit of an obession with the Pussycat Dolls because they are so damn hot and I do want to sleep with them...even the ginger...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Day 32
Day 32 Sunday April 10, 2011
Today I went sailing and it was awesome!! Now rule number 1 about this particular sailing group is, "You never talk about what happens on the boat." ... a "Fight Club" of sorts...yet this sailing trip was great because all that happened was a group of really attractive men talking. Nothing weird or crazy....just really awesome people...it was a bit cold at times, but 1 of the most amazing days I have experienced.
There were a gambit of people on this boat and everyone got along really well and not in that way...
It was just a really relaxing day on the water.
Not so much to write about seeing as sailing took up the whole day...then we went to dinner...and then went back to the hosts house and sat in the hot tub (rightfully so considering at times the wind came out of now where and the boat would tip quickly and we were flung around a bit....bruises and sore) to end the night.... it was a really great day!!!
Gosh...nothing to report except LESS THAN 2 WEEKS TO GO!!!!!
People trying to change the world for HIV/AIDS:
Day 31
Day 31 Saturday April 9, 2011
Today was probably one of the nicest days....the weather was great, I got to hang out with Jeannie, I went to a Vegan dessert party...YES A Vegan Dessert Party... it was amazing... way to go vegans...great desserts!!!
So I was the only gay there...well minus a couple of lesbians, who, by the way were AWESOME!!! I really liked them!! They were so funny and so sweet....but I digress. It was so nice to have a change of scenery and to be around people who weren't looking for a hole to put it in or looking for someone to put it in them. Very refreshing!! Everyone who was there was there just to be there, to meet new people, to share experiences, to share thoughts, to share themselves in a nonsexual way.
This blog was mentioned and I will tell you this, not one person cared....yes, not 1 person cared... I was a bit taken back but then I realized, it was such a compliment. They didn't care about my sexuality. They didn't care about me being gay with a few females here and there and they could have cared less I wasn't being sexual.... they just wanted to be around me because of the things we discussed and I felt like I had a voice. I felt I had an opinion that mattered and I wasn't just some notch or conquest. I wasn't straight or gay, good looking or ugly, young or old.... I was just a person in a group of people.
LESSON LEARNED: As I have said before, I feel like sometimes I lose myself and who I am and for what? So I can be just like the majority of lame ass, insecure, unhappy, shallow, judgemental (now a lot of you say I am judgemental...please realize, it is just a joke...I am not being serious), pathetic gays.
I have been told, I talk too much and joke around too much and guys don't like that. I need to be more serious, and ball bust less...so basically I need to be a drone like most gays...yah well, guess what people, I have never been that person, nor do I ever want to be that person. I love my personality, my sarcasm, my wit...and if you don't, then you don't and that is ok... All that has made me who I am, helped me survive, and has left me with the most amazing people in my life. All that makes me someone you are not...it makes me, me... Flaws (and I know I have a lot) and all!
Day 30!!!!
Day 30!!! Friday April 8, 2011
WOW!!! Day 30 and things are going strong!! Had an amazing day! Work was awesome, then went to a friends bday party and met so many new and awesome people. I guess I should say I thought I was going to fail this night because the majority of his friends were all very attractive and had really great personalities, so the combination of the 2 are really hard to resist. I had watch my alcohol intake to ensure I was making the right decisions.
Funny thing about this party was, I became really popular....why you ask...simple...1 person mentioned this challenge and it was like a flock of vultures flying over a carcass... The majority of people would come up alone (now mind you, I could spot them looking and waiting for an opportunity for me to be alone so they could come up) and they would say, "Excuse me...Are you the No Sex Blog guy?"...to which my response usually was, "Yes. yes I am.". I had a lot of really funny reactions but mainly they consisted of "WHY!?!?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?!?!"... I spent a lot of time talking about it this night.
Now here is the best part...I got so much attention...I mean A LOT of attention and I can only sum it up to 1 thing and 1 thing only....they couldn't have me, so they wanted me. You always want what you can't have, yes? I really feel none of these guys would have had ANY interest in me otherwise, but knowing I couldn't/wouldn't have sex or hook up, they wanted me.... I was a challenge for them and their ego. Some of them were grabbing my butt, some were rubbing my crotch, some were talking dirty, and some were just trying so hard. The best part, I liked the attention. As much as it was for that night, for that moment, and for that reason, I liked it and I have no guilt about that.
Now don't get me wrong, I did meet a lot of nice people that night and I had a great time so thank you Todd for inviting me and introducing me to your friends. Great times and great people! .
LESSONED LEARNED: I should really use this after Lent is done... I could get some serious action!!!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Day 29
Day 29 Thursday April 7, 2011
Surprisingly enough, I did not have a hang over, but worse, I slept on my neck oddly and I woke up with my neck and my back cramping....no fear, I took 3 times the amount of Aleve, hit the heating pad, and took half a flexeril....so I am felt hella good... late start today and late end, but worth it... felt so relaxed...but in pain... Anyhow, with the flexeril onboard, I had no desire to do anything which makes me think i should be on it for the remainder of this damn thing...
OH and I am thinking that the whole masturbation thing was a REALLY STUPID IDEA!!!!!!!! A VERY VERY VERY STUPID IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I BLAME FRANK MARINO FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!
but I am kinda high, so I feel good... eyes heavy....peace...
ps, this took a long time to write because the "backspace" button was my best friend...
Day 28!
Day 28 Wednesday April 6, 2011
So today was a shit show... WHOA!!! WE all went out for a friends birthday after work. There won't be much to report because we all got drunk and hung out with each other and went home...
SORRY FOLKS NOT MUCH TO REPORT UP IN HERE............. I know... No stories... No observations...I was too involved with the alcohol and friends...
Hell I need a day off from thinking....
This is unnerving :
Day 27
Day 27 Tuesday April 5, 2011
Wow... I am beginning to realize my life isn't all that exciting... lol... I am pretty much preoccupied with where I am going in life. I definitely try to live in the moment, but that sometimes can prove to be not such a good thing. We all do need to plan for the future, but to a certain extent.
Today I sat there and wondered, "Where is my life going?". What am I supposed to be doing? Now I know I am where I should be. I know God, or whatever entity out there has placed me exactly where I need to be in this moment.....but I wonder why. I spoke with a good friend from high school who still is a great friend today and we talked about her relationship (which we are not allowed to call a relationship), her life, her plans, and so forth and sometimes I feel that people have their stuff together and yet I feel so lost. I do love my job and I am great at what I do (or so I am told at work), but sometimes I feel this overwhelming feeling there is more out there and I am on such a short timeline. I feel a sense of panic and anxiety at times wondering if I need to go elsewhere and do more.
With that being said, that ties into relationships, dating, and sex... With those thoughts of mine, I find I don't necessarily flourish in relationships and I wonder if it is me becoming complacent (which I can't stand) or am I not finding the right people. How can I feel grounded enough to nurture a relationship if I can't stop and start putting down roots somewhere? I am good a caring for people (as long as they don't do a lot of that in return... YES I AM AWARE THAT IS MESSED UP!!! I REPEAT: 3 THERAPISTS AND I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT) but how can I really make a relationship last if I feel I need to grow which might involve moving. I couldn't ask a person to uproot their life for me. I don't think that is fair. I guess that is why when I have been in a relationship, I have given up on my dreams and then I develop feelings of regret for the person and for myself.
If I just date or hook up with people, I can satisfy my need for contact while maintaining a sense of self.... which then I ask, "Is that really healthy for me? Is it healthy for my soul and my energy?". Sex isn't JUST sex... there are a lot of factors to it and if you add vodka, then it is just sex...but without vodka, there is more to it....
Interesting Article on Goals for 2015
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 26
Day 26 Monday April 4, 2011
Well I learned a new lesson..OH WAIT!!!! 20 DAYS LEFT!!! I am almost to the teens...tomorrow starts the teens!!! More than half way there!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So back to the story at hand! I went to bed last night and was having an amazing dream...and I mean AMAZING dream... and in the dream I thought, "Wait...do I have to go to the bathroom?....No really what is this feeling?" so I woke while this was happening and all of a sudden...it happened...NOT THE BATHROOM...but "it"... I wore nylon shorts to bed without anything underneath and well I guess the friction caused by moving around at night (now mind you, I move a lot in my sleep) made that happen because I had to change my clothes. I am not complaining though.
Anyhow, I had to go return my new phone because it kept causing problems, and I got a new one...but while I was at the ATT store on Union St, I looked across the customer service desk and I saw this guy standing there. He looked at me and smiled (by the way he was a customer). I smiled back and started talking to the sales guy and from time to time I would look up and he was there looking back....and I am not going to lie, I took some sneak looks as well. He was absolutely amazing looking. I mean he was so handsome and had such a sweet look to him. Like one of those faces where you could just say anything and he would listen. I was so taken back by him. He had a really nice voice as well and a smile that made me nervous.
I was shaking...seriously shaking and nervous and my heart was racing every time he looked over. I felt like I knew him from somewhere but couldn't place where I knew him from. I never met him in a bar or club, I know that much. I just felt like I knew him. So we exchanged a few more glances and he was done with his purchase and I had a ways to go and he walked passed me, made eye contact, and smiled and I.......WAS A TOTALLY WUSS!!!! I DID NOTHING!!!!! I JUST LET HIM WALK AWAY!!!!!!!! eWTF???? I am so mad at myself!!! I didn't know what to do, I was nervous I couldn't speak. Not like me at all!!
So mystery guy....I am putting it in the universe, " I want to meet you in person...for real this time...no glances..."
AIDS Request for Budgeting.
Day 25
Day 25 Sunday April 3, 2011
WOOO HOOO!!! Day 25!! 25 is my lucky number and lucky for me, I had to get up early, do a few things, and then drive 4 hours home to SF. That was a very tiring experience. I got home and all I could do was just lay there. I was so drained and so tired. I did laundry, watched the Giants lose....again...no bueno, and laid on the couch. Even if I wanted to, I had no energy to do it. I am very happy about that.
Being away from SF made me realize some things.
1) Sometimes I just feel lost.
2) Sometimes I feel I am not me.
3) It is really lonely here in SF.
4) So many people here are just so fake and so wrapped up in who's buying what, or who's going where, or who's vacationing where, or who got invited to what (which sometimes people act so desperate to be invited to things, they look so pathetic), or who knows who.
I don't necessarily wonder why I feel I don't fit in...I know why I don't fit in some of the time and that is because none of those things mean anything to me. I don't what anyone has or what they drive or where they live or where they go...it is all so irrelevant. I don't relate well to people like that. Laying alone, I had a lot of time to think and tried to break this down. Going in the data bank of random thoughts, useless facts, and memories, I just can't help but wonder what I am doing here.
I've been questioning, will there ever be another person I connect with? Will there be someone I will have in my life? Lord knows I am will definitely be having sex, but will it mean anything?
AIDS Link:
Oh this is interesting....
Day 24
Day 24 Saturday April 2, 2011
I swear visiting Fresno is such a shit show... I have no down time and I am all over the place. I swear I need a day of relaxing after I visit, but I am having so much fun! I am seeing all the good people in my life that I have been friends with for years and years and I feel like myself again. Just being a low key, fun loving, smart ass, sarcastic, filthy mouth, bit of a country boy self. Kicking back with some of my boys (all straight) and throwing back some beers and talking mess. This was a good time.
I met up with my ex today and we had a very difficult talk and I wish I could share it but I promised her I would keep it between us. After our talk, I was completely bothered and a bit devastated....for her, not me. Our talk made me question if anyone is trust worthy. Are there people out there that are in it to win it? People who say they are going to do what they say they are going to do? People who will be committed? It was so out of left field and I NEVER saw that coming and neither did she.
There is a saying live by and people criticize me for it and say I am jaded or bitter and it is this:
"Love is temporary and finances are forever."
No that may make me sound bitter or angry or even jaded but it is very true. My ideal relationship if I ever get into one will consist of separate finances. I will NOT buy anything with anyone. not a house, not a car, not a boat...I'll buy groceries but that's about as far as I go. Separate accounts, separate bills, separate insurance...everything separate... That takes so much pressure off the rest. The most common reasons for break ups and divorce have to do with finances. Taking all that out of the equation, makes things easier. Plus if I need to pull the eject lever, I want to be able to say "PEACE" and get the hell out with none of the nonsense drama and fighting. I just want out. I don't want to separate bills, accounts, mortgages, cars... I just want a clean split if that happens.
Is there anything wrong with that? Thoughts?
Needless to say after this, I had no sex drive to speak of....
AIDS Fact:
This is interesting:
Day 23!!!!
Day 23! Friday April 1, 2011
DAY 23!!! I AM HALF WAY THERE!!!! and it is April Fools Day!!! We had such a fun day playing pranks at work and then the biggest joke happened to me. I had to drive to Fresno...which mind you took 5 hours because people are stupid and can't drive.
I had no time to stop and think and relax so my half way point was celebrated by distractions galore! SWEETNESS!!! Plus, I was in Fresno...who is there to do there? No one really... NO ONE!!! It was a going away party for 1 of my best friends and we had so much fun.... btw.. Michael Jackson's Dance on the Wii is my new obsession. HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!!!
Yah not a lot to write considering I was so busy and had no time for sex...or me...or sex with me...
Maybe I'll just add some video clips in this soon... meh
AIDS Information:
This is awesome!!!
Day 22
Day 22 Thursday March 31, 2011
Well Thursday was a hell of a day... I worked all day then went home and was in the mood, so I thought, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!"...so I did and I went and activated my new phone... then I thought, I still need to be out of the house and NOT alone, so I got on the bus and went to the Haight....walked around...still thought I shouldn't be alone so I went to the Castro... Grabbed a beer at a local watering hole and as I was standing there, a very attractive guy kept making eye contact with me and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I knew it would have been a bad idea. My escape you ask?...I pretended my phone rang and I couldn't hear so I took it outside... NEAR MISS!!!
Then a good friend of mine text'd and we met up and went out from there and at the next bar there was a really good looking guy who kept looking over and I recognized him, but from where, I couldn't remember...NOW before any of you go thinking, NO I DID NOT sleep...I wouldn't have mind though if I did. We made eye contact quite a few times and we never spoke...Why? Why didn't I just figure it out? Why couldn't I figure it out? I went into the memory bank of people and nothing... I couldn't remember a thing, but his face.
This leads me to think....Do I think of people as disposable? That answer is..Yes...yes I do. I meet so many people and yet I could care less if they stay in my life. Strange... I know this may sound rude or cold and some of you might be questioning whether you are part of that equation....please don't ask if you are and furthermore, don't take that statement personally or read into it. I have gone to 3 different therapists to figure that out. It is a 100% me thing and a 0% you thing. It has to do with the way I was brought up and how I would escape all of the messed things that happened to me. When I would try to escape my home life and beg for help or protection, everyone ignored me, so I would create a whole world of my own to get away and I was always alone, so you can only imagine I have always done that leaving little to no room for someone to really become part of my life. It's nothing personal, it's how I protect myself. I don't get hurt this way and I don't get let down this way.
I am struggling with the fact I would like to talk about my up bringing but there are people who read this who know my family and I don't want them to think differently of them. I am not protecting or making excuses for anyone but we all have to understand that sometimes people are a product of their environment and instead of breaking that cycle, they ignore it and pass it on to the next generation. I did not want to continue that cycle but saw myself in that direction and that is why I became proactive to not be like certain family members....but I am not perfect in the least bit. I struggle with it everyday. I struggle with the anger and the reactions everyday. That is also another reason why I find it hard to commit to someone at this point. I don't want to end up in a situation again where I am not good to someone or they are not good to me.
FUN TIME!!!!!: So that night...ready for this....I met Andy Cohen... The creator of The Real Housewives shows... and he is shorter than I expected....no really... So he was actually VERY nice and just so kick back and friendly to everyone...especially to a certain couple there...I am not saying anything happened between the 3 of them ;-) ,-) because I wasn't there after they all left together...closely together...they could have gotten some Mexican food, or maybe a slice of pizza, or a churro, or a cookie... I am not here to judge. Just here to entertain.
Normally I would put up a fact about HIV/AIDS but today, I want to put up this link to a movie I saw a few years ago. This movie is not an easy movie to watch but it is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. If you can get this movie or rent it or download it, I highly recommend you do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0aW2aLABc
Well Thursday was a hell of a day... I worked all day then went home and was in the mood, so I thought, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!"...so I did and I went and activated my new phone... then I thought, I still need to be out of the house and NOT alone, so I got on the bus and went to the Haight....walked around...still thought I shouldn't be alone so I went to the Castro... Grabbed a beer at a local watering hole and as I was standing there, a very attractive guy kept making eye contact with me and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I knew it would have been a bad idea. My escape you ask?...I pretended my phone rang and I couldn't hear so I took it outside... NEAR MISS!!!
Then a good friend of mine text'd and we met up and went out from there and at the next bar there was a really good looking guy who kept looking over and I recognized him, but from where, I couldn't remember...NOW before any of you go thinking, NO I DID NOT sleep...I wouldn't have mind though if I did. We made eye contact quite a few times and we never spoke...Why? Why didn't I just figure it out? Why couldn't I figure it out? I went into the memory bank of people and nothing... I couldn't remember a thing, but his face.
This leads me to think....Do I think of people as disposable? That answer is..Yes...yes I do. I meet so many people and yet I could care less if they stay in my life. Strange... I know this may sound rude or cold and some of you might be questioning whether you are part of that equation....please don't ask if you are and furthermore, don't take that statement personally or read into it. I have gone to 3 different therapists to figure that out. It is a 100% me thing and a 0% you thing. It has to do with the way I was brought up and how I would escape all of the messed things that happened to me. When I would try to escape my home life and beg for help or protection, everyone ignored me, so I would create a whole world of my own to get away and I was always alone, so you can only imagine I have always done that leaving little to no room for someone to really become part of my life. It's nothing personal, it's how I protect myself. I don't get hurt this way and I don't get let down this way.
I am struggling with the fact I would like to talk about my up bringing but there are people who read this who know my family and I don't want them to think differently of them. I am not protecting or making excuses for anyone but we all have to understand that sometimes people are a product of their environment and instead of breaking that cycle, they ignore it and pass it on to the next generation. I did not want to continue that cycle but saw myself in that direction and that is why I became proactive to not be like certain family members....but I am not perfect in the least bit. I struggle with it everyday. I struggle with the anger and the reactions everyday. That is also another reason why I find it hard to commit to someone at this point. I don't want to end up in a situation again where I am not good to someone or they are not good to me.
FUN TIME!!!!!: So that night...ready for this....I met Andy Cohen... The creator of The Real Housewives shows... and he is shorter than I expected....no really... So he was actually VERY nice and just so kick back and friendly to everyone...especially to a certain couple there...I am not saying anything happened between the 3 of them ;-) ,-) because I wasn't there after they all left together...closely together...they could have gotten some Mexican food, or maybe a slice of pizza, or a churro, or a cookie... I am not here to judge. Just here to entertain.
Normally I would put up a fact about HIV/AIDS but today, I want to put up this link to a movie I saw a few years ago. This movie is not an easy movie to watch but it is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. If you can get this movie or rent it or download it, I highly recommend you do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0aW2aLABc
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 21
Day 21 Wednesday March 30, 2011
Oh Wednesday you little rabbit...you mean nothing to me. Yah...today meant nothing to me. Just another day. Nothing really to report...nothing cool...lame...just lame.
So what to talk about...hmmmm... Well I am almost half way there...and I am constantly thinking about the day I get to "celebrate"...and by "celebrate"...I mean ...well you know...
I really think I should either write erotic stories or write/produce porn. I am really creative, although some of the things are a bit Matrix style and would require some green screens, harnesses, and lifts...too much?
Things are changing mentally...minus the fantasies...obviously...but I am feeling really lonely which I guess has to do with the lack of intimacy which is making me ask myself if I distract myself with human contact. I have NEVER EVER been the type that needs someone or HAS to be in a relationship..in fact...I am pretty opposite...but I do miss the human touch.
We are all relateable people and we all do require the touch of others. It has been proven that people who lack human touch get sick more often and for longer durations, have more depressive disorders, do not thrive and maintain as well in public/social situations, and are irritable. Granted this was tested in monkey's as well, but monkey's are our cousins..so they count...have you seen a monkey with a wig on? They look like at least of your relatives....don't lie..
Think about it though. Makes perfect sense. The adrenaline you get when someone touches you... the warmth you feel when you are having a bad day or dealing with a difficult situation and someone like a friend or a loved one hugs you... when you're laughing and you hug the person you are laughing with don't you get that feeling of that extra joy? The human touch is a beautiful thing.
So lacking that touch in the intimacy department is starting to get to me, but I am almost half way there. I am realizing that laying in bed with that person who makes you feel so comfortable, so wanted, so trusted isn't such a bad thing....or maybe I am just feeling lonely... who the hell knows... ug I need a drink
AIDS Fact:
The impact of HIV/AIDS on women and girls has been particularly devastating. Women and girls now comprise 50 percent of those aged 15 and older living with HIV.1
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)