Day 16 Thursday March 24, 2011
Gosh 16 days now...this is unreal....I am excited...but not that excited!!! The weather is really crappy and scary today...what the crap mother nature??? So this is making me not want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep...yay for distractions.
Still thinking about _______(nameless) from last night....wow...what a great kisser...actually I wouldn't mind a little kissing right now... It's so funny because I was thinking about Tuesdays post and how messed up I was...and this blog will kind of tie into it because I had been thinking, "What prompted this change" and the answer is kind of all over the place but I can get some of it down and explain what happened since.
So as you all know, I was this awkward, ugly, skinny, dork...now I am just lean, dorky, and attractive to some...lol...anyhow, when I had my first experience with a guy, I ended up moving out of Fresno and I moved to Sacramento where I knew only 1 person...Tracy...one the most amazing people in my life. I love her and she has always made me feel good about myself because I could tell her my deepest darkest secrets, desires, and thoughts and she either laughed or said "that's hot"...hahah I love Tracy! So when I moved to Sacramento, that is when everything changed. I was able to explore my sexuality freely without the watchful eyes of F'D up Fresno people...minus my friends there, I love them.... anywho...When I moved to Sacramento, I was noticed... I mean people looked at me...and they really looked and I was confused. How is that no one really looked at me in Fresno but in Sacramento, I am attractive and I realized, well Fresno is just a different market...I'll just leave it at that...
In Sacramento, I was desired. I felt that people wanted me because of my physical looks and I was so happy about that. I was finally the guy who was attractive and part of the "good looking crowd"! I was in my prime and I was taking full advantage of it. I mean I slept with so many people in a week. I couldn't keep up with myself. I had choices of who I wanted to be with. I didn't have to look for anyone, they looked for me. They approached me. They wanted me. Talk about intoxicating. I was so incredibly intoxicated with this new found attention. I was the hot guy... I couldn't even tell you how many people I hooked up with because I lost count. Now please understand, I did use protection at ALL times! Very important to me.
So there I was, the ugly kid had now become the hot guy and I was taking full advantage of it. I could care less about anything else. I had become what I has always compared myself to....hot guys....hot times....a couple of hot chicks....hot sex... 3somes...3 people in a day...you name it, I was doing it... and in the midst of all this, I had never been so lonely. I realized that all this attention full filled the hurt from the past, but it never full filled me as a person. I spun way out of control and forgot who I was. I became the mean guy to those who were me... I looked down on those people I once was....because I thought "Now you will all know what I felt!"...and that's just not me...so I now took all of the insecurities and made it into something else.... I was the hot guy, but I was a horrible person. I let all this attention changed the sweet, fun, innocent side of what made me a great friend and a good person. It took a while for me to get back to where I was and it was a very lonely time. When I tried to date, I was told no one took me seriously because of the fact I was known for hooking up with a lot of people and they were only on the date to hook up with me... I was a joke of sorts. It took a long time for me to clear up that mess I created, but I found some good people in that time....and those stories will be saved for another time....
Some interesting articles:
I never thought you ugly & have loved you from the day I met you. I have always seen an incredibly funny, sensitive, intelligent (& yes dorky...but hey we smell our own) man who needed to find comfort in his own skin (again sniff sniff). But hey that's just coming from an f*ed up Fresnan ;-p
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