Day 6

Monday March 14, 2011

  I am almost at 1 week and I am feeling good....well not feeling anything at all...especially me...

  Not a whole lot to talk about today... so I guess I'll go into a story instead...maybe about how I realized I wanted to be with men...for the most part...DAAAANGER ZONE!!! Call Kenny Loggins....

   I remember I always thought guys were attractive but not enough or in the way where I wanted to be intimate with or find an emotional attachment to one. I was 29 years old... YES LATE BLOOMER ALERT!!! I figured since I lacked any positive or caring attention from the men in my life, I found other men who where nice to me attractive, but in a different way...not sexual...

  So at 29, I met someone on MySpace (WHAT!?!?!?...Ya'll remember what that was yes?) who was a friend of a childhood friend of mine who had been in the same pictures as I was but had never met. So we emailed back and forth trying to figure out how that happened and then we IM'd and decided while IM'ing we should talk on the phone (now mind you, I thought he was straight). He called about 11pm and the next thing I knew, it was 6am and decided it was time to get off the phone. Before we got off the phone, he asked if I wanted to meet up later that night for beers and go watch a band play. I said sure and that was that. He said he'd come by and pick me up because the bar was close to my house.

  So later that evening, he came by and I don't know what happened but the moment I saw him, I thought , "Oh well this is going to be trouble". We had a couple of beers at my place then went to the bar and had some there then went to go watch the band play. Now the band was playing close to his place so we parked at his house and decided to have a cocktail there....yes...you can see a theme...drinking... As we were there, we were playing music and talking and he made a comment of who I looked like and I said that was a bit of an insult because he looks dorky, and then he said...ready....because this is where I find out he's not straight... "I think he is really attractive...like you."... UHHHHH SAY WHAAAAAAAT? I was so uncomfortable I walked in the kitchen and pretended I didn't hear the comment. As the drinks progressed, so did the convo and at one point he asked if I wanted to make out...and I said... "I'm not into guys like that" and the subject was dropped...and cut to 3 or 4 shots later, I kept thinking about what he said and I thought I really think I should do this....so I walked up and I kissed him.

  As I did, I kept thinking, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I am kissing a guy...WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?". Then I thought, "Well it's almost like kissing a girl....with facial hair....". Cut to the next day, I freaked out... I mean FREAKED OUT! I was so confused because it felt right but it was a guy...not a girl. From there, we saw each other again and it eventually became a relationship...for 4 months...let's just say we're better off friends....crazy...what??? I didn't say anything.

  Now I have been with women since that and even had a relationship with a married couple (man and woman), but for the most part, it just fells more natural (and every Christian coalition will completely pray for my death on that one) but it does...

  I can't make nor would I want to make anyone think that this isn't a choice....yes it is a choice to act on it, but the feeling isn't a choice. It is a chemical reaction the body makes off of numerous factors. For you straight people, when you see someone you're attracted to, doesn't your mind and body react? Is that wrong? Is it natural because you didn't make that happen, but your body and mind did? I am very proud of who I am and what I prefer because I don't let it name me. There is nothing wrong with me (well there a few things, but that's emotional) and I don't need to be prayed for (unless it's out of kindness and well wishes). I am a great friend. I am a loving person. I am a productive member of society. I am just like you. I don't let what I do in the bedroom define me, nor do I define you by what you do in yours.