Day 14!

Day 14 March, 2011

 I have made 2 weeks!!!! 2 F'N WEEKS!!!! WOW!!! Where has the time gone?? Oh I know where... SLOWLY!!! Actually I am feeling really good. I have no desire still so I guess this is good! I have been keeping busy and have been distracted and by the time I am ready for bed, the mere thought of any action with anyone or myself seems tooooo tiring and I don't have the strength, so I told myself, "Not tonight honey. I am tired and have a headache." Gosh, I hope I don't cheat on myself....

   Anyhow, 2 weeks,...wow... I had an interesting conversation with a close friend and I thought I was being this amazing angel and this friend who shall remain nameless has not had sex in over a year and a half!!! "WHAT!!???!!??!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?" was my response....and don't get me started on the other thing that hasn't happened in even longer!!! I think there is something wrong there and I voiced that. I mean, come on, there is no way I could go 1.5yrs + without sex...I would be a mess....so then I reflected back and there was a time in my life where I went 7 years without sex... 7 YEARS!!!

   I had totally forgot that part of my life. I can't believe I forgot...but you see there was good reason for that 7 year stretch....and that reason was because I was not attractive...or at least I was told so. For those of you who didn't know me back in the day or lost contact during times of my life, I was a very skinny , dorky looking, awkward teenager, young adult, and my 20's....yah... It wasn't one of those awkward phases....it was more of an awkward decade plus some. I was never really seen as the attractive one. I was mainly seen as the guy with the personality who couldn't get a date because everyone saw me as "the friend". You can only imagine the let down. I remember always looking at other guys and wishing I could look like them... OH this is the time where I dated only women.... So I would look at these guys and envy how they look, always comparing myself only to feel even worse about the way I looked. I would see how people reacted to them, how people gathered around them, how people would look at them and all  I wanted was that attention. Yes I will admit, I had no self esteem...I hated the way I looked....I hated the way was... I remember I would not wear shorts or t-shirts until I was in my mid 20's because when I did, I felt everyone looked at me and laughed at me. I felt like I was this freak of nature. Some people were mean and would laugh but I do have to say, I had great people in my life as well. I just remember going to sleep and praying and wishing every night that the next day I would be attractive.... that someone would look at me and think I was attractive...that I would look in the mirror and like who I was and what I looked like. I've never really spoke of this because I wanted to forget that feeling. I joke about it now saying I was skinny and ugly but never have I spoke in depth about it.... Gosh, looking back today, I feel so sad... now don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of body image issues, but I am learning to accept those...and I do get insecure about myself and the way I look when I am around good looking men and women...and I do think, "Why would any of them want me"... I haven't gotten over all of it and I am not sure if I will but it isn't as severe as it used to be....

HIV/AIDS INFORMATION:

Treating HIV/AIDS

Since 1987, when the first anti-retroviral drug was approved for treating HIV, many life-extending advances have been made in drugs to treat HIV/AIDS. That first drug, azidothymidine (AZT), is now one of more than 22 drugs that have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drugs Administration (FDA) to fight AIDS-related conditions.
There are four classes of anti-retrovirals:

	Nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs)
	Non-nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NNRTIs)
	Protease inhibitors
	Fusion inhibitors