Wednesday March 9th
Day 1 of my 46 Day Challenge: "The Art of NO Sex"!I have a few disclaimers before you read on. They are as follows:
1) I am gay....well mostly...still dabble from time to time...no harm no foul... If this bothers you, I understand, but please do not comment of make judgements because I will block you.
2) I have an inappropriate mouth....which means possible vulgar language.
3) I will be exposing very personal information (i.e. #1)....which honestly scares me...but this is a journey of growth and development and I must do it.
4) I reserve the right to expose anyone....kidding!!!
So let us begin:
This challenge all started with me wondering what I should give up for lent and I couldn't think of anything. Then I said, " I know! I'll give up sex for lent!" to which a few friends laughed and said things like "You're a sex addict", "You will never make it.", "Riiiiiight"....which actually a couple of the comments struck a nerve with me. I know they meant nothing by it but it made me think, "Am I really this way? Am I bad for being like this? Do my friends seriously see me as a slut or a whore?"
For the most part..like 99% was all joking and making up rules and funny things like that! Speaking of rules:
1) No sexual intercourse with men or women...apparently women count in this as well...(giving or receiving)
2) No (VULGAR ALERT!!!!!) Hand Jobs (giving or receiving)
3) No (VULGAR ALERT!!!!) Blow Jobs...or shall I say PC: Oral sex! (giving or receiving)
4) No dry humping in dark corners of bars...courtesy of Cameron Stiehl
5) No masturbating...I'm scared now....
So you see folks...this will be a very BIG challenge as I am a very sexual person. Now don't get me wrong, I don't go sleeping around and have 15 partners in a week....FAR from that...but I am really sexual...
Why am I doing this? That's a great question..... I don't know why.... There are many reasons why I guess:
READY FOR THIS???? Here comes the complete honest part and exposing myself......
1) I replace sex for anything and everything when it comes to a relationship. I can fix others relationships and guide them into being in healthy one's, but I can't fix mine because I am petrified of intimacy and having to be close to someone. The mere thought of opening myself up like that and risking the chance of being hurt sends me into a shere panic. It brings on the worst anxiety.... It makes me mad....so I do what I do best and I make people feel as if they are close to me by having sex and being sexual with them. I do what I can physically to fulfill them (heh heh heh...whaaaat??) so they feel that they are satisfied emotionally....lord knows they're satisfied sexually (WHAT!!! I said there would be humor!!!)
2) I have no idea what love is....not a single clue... I am 35 years old and have no clue what love is. I mean I think I have a grasp of what it should and could be, but nothing! I look at people and wonder how they do it...how they feel....what they feel....and I sit there and I am saddened. There are so many versions and ideals of what love is, but the only thing I can honestly say I love is my mom, most of my family, my friends, and sex (because I am hella good at it!! Seriously folks)... I am not looking for love in this journey, but maybe an understanding of it.
3) I just want to see if I can do it! I want to see how far I can push my limits... I really feel this may be physically not healthy for my body, but we'll see... If there are problems I will be smart enough to abandon this challenge!
So are they any of you out there that think I can't do this??If so, put your $$$ where you mouth is...
SERIOUSLY!!! Place a bet and if I do this, ALL proceeds will go to AIDS LIFECYCLE!!!!
I will not spend one single penny of it on myself... and if I lose, well I'll be taking suggestions!...Comment and let me know what you think a good punishment would be...
Well folks... I could go on and on, but I wouldn't have anything to write about tomorrow....soooo stay tuned for more....
I'm proud of you for being so open on here!
ReplyDeleteYou got my attention…not that it was my attention that you were trying to get or anyone’s for that matter. I thought of this intro reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteCHANGE
See I know change, I see change, I embody change, all we do is change, ya I know change, were born to change, sometimes we got it as a metaphor, that reflects the way things ought to be, in fact, change takes time, it exceeds all expectations, it requires both now and then, see although the players change, the song remains the same and the truth is you got to have the BALLS to change…
I think you have the BALLS to change…but I think your crazy…I love sex and I am a very sexual person and I can’t say I would ever give it up…just saying. I will defiantly follow your blog…can’t wait till day 46.
I'm saddened to hear in your own words that you don't know what love is. I hope on this journey that you discover that you underestimated yourself because you have so much to offer. As your friend and someone who knows you, I believe that you not only have the capability to love but also the capacity to love. I think we all struggle with love because it's hard to define and we have so many ideas what love is/should be/ looks like--no wonder love seems elusive! I commend you for taking on this journey of self exploration by removing something you think keeps you from finding (romantic) love. View love as an action verb rather than a feeling...do you think that will change your perspective?
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