Day 20!!!

Day 20! Monday March 28, 2011

  DAY 20!!!!! and HOLY SNACKBALLS!!!! I am no longer frustrated!!! No I did not do it to myself but IT happened! I can't even begin to explain what happened, but I can say, 

                           WHAT AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE THAT WAS!!! WOW!!!  

  I guess this entry should be dedicated to the experience.... It did not happen in my sleep....it happened when I was awake... So I was sitting there watching TV and all was well until I started getting "excited" for no reason what so ever. So that really isn't anything new, it's been going on for a while...like 20 days...or 35 years...or whatever...but then the weirdest thing happened .... and this folks is where it gets scientific because I  don't want this to be a slutty moment or a weird moment... I want this to come across as scientific/natural as possible...

   So as this was happening, after a while my....well.....my scrotum started to hurt...like really hurt...well more of an ache...and then they started to retract....like REALLY retract to where I started to get nervous and I looked down and it looked like it was almost gone and I got freaked out because they were WAY to ummmm...ok about to go into my abdomen, which I thought was really gonna happen....so I stretched out the scrotum so the testicles could release back down.....and I felt no pleasure in this because I was more scared than anything.... well when I released the scrotum, it started to feel weird and I thought, "Oh NO!! WHAT DID I DO??? Did I just kill me balls???"..and then I felt like I had to urinate and the other "member" started to feel weird and I thought, "Oh crap!!! What the hell is going on!!'...and then it started to...Ok sorry THIS IS GOING TO GET GRAPHIC SO IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THE REST, PLEASE SKIP THIS OR JUST DON'T GO ANY FURTHER.......


     so it started to throb like when you hit your finger with a hammer....but less painful and the next thing I know....it happened....oh my snap...it happened.... I totally ejaculated and oh 20 days of frustration was not an easy clean up... like the Exxon Valdez...

  People told me that might happen and there was NO WAY I believed them....no way is that possible...but folks...it is SO POSSIBLE and I slept like a baby!!! WOW!!! So needless to say, I feel like a new man...and I want that to happen again...it was AMAZING!!!


    EL FIN!!!


  AIDS FACTS: In 2009, there were 1.8 MILLION AIDS related deaths. In 2004 there were 2.4 MILLION AIDS related deaths... Education, preventative care, and medicine os proving to work!

  

Day 19!

Day 19 Sunday March 27, 2011

   Wow!! I am almost at 20 days!!! Time has just flown by!!!

  Today was pretty much a shit show... laid around all morning...Oh and Britney Spears was here today.... so you can only imagine the shit show....

   After laundry and a bite to eat, I went to meet some friends out and that's where yet again, this blog was the topic and some of them wanted to ruin this....which makes me not want to...  A few of them really wanted to break this streak and seeing as it was so obvious and by obvious I mean, they said they they wanted to be my breaking point....but folks...what have we learned??? When we were younger and people said they wanted us to do something, what did we do?....that's right....the opposite. So I was good, but I am not gonna say I was innocent. I did make out a little... I am human...not dead...

  I had so much fun today...went home by myself and had a night of horrible sleep...so not much to report other than, Monday better be kind to me....

   Here's a good link...

 http://www.unaids.org/en/media/unaids/contentassets/dataimport/pub/factsheet/2009/20090903_fastfacts_treatment_en.pdf

   I guess I should put this out there... I am HIV negative... I know I am posting stuff on here about HIV/AIDS but I think it ties in well and I have friends who are amazing people that have HIV/AIDS and I have even helped deliver a baby who's mom was HIV positive. It's a disease that we need to educate EVERYONE on... it's isn't a gender specific disease

Day 18!

Day 18 Saturday March 26, 2011

     I was so exhausted today that all I did was lay around and nap. It felt so good to just lay there in silence and just be....and sleep...then when I started feeling the urge, I would sleep some more.

  I got up and eventually went to an event and then met someone who wanted to meet me for a while and we just got in contact and planned to go out for some drinks. He picked me up and we were also meeting his friends which is fine because I thought, "Well better safe than sorry"...even though at midnight, I could technically have something happen without failing because SUNDAYS DON'T COUNT!!!!... well anyhow, we went out and I thought, "Wow this guy is really cute!" and thought..."oooooh I might need this wild card"...until...oh yes...until... I swear... let's just say, when I see things like this, I am so turned off by people in general. The story is so typical I can break it down to this...

           ** I am flirting with you and saying things I have wanted to say and we finally meet and oh there is

             another "friend" here as well and he seems drunk and easy and a sure thing, where maybe you

             won't be into me, so I am going to show him more attention.**

  That's right... I am not into after that.... I was before...but yah...not so much... that was trashy... really trashy. I mean please feel free to do whatever it is you want to do, but do not ask to meet me in person after hinting towards something and then pull that. Not really cool....It's just child's play...

   After a while, I just excused myself...Now don't get me wrong, I was in NO WAY expecting to meet the person of my dreams, or end up in a relationship, or anything of that nature, but I think there should be a level of respect and I just don't play these "gay games"...so lame...

   I am realizing that:

  1) I am definitely good at what I do

  2) I am a decent looking guy

  3) I can have pretty much anyone I want (seriously...so can you)

  4) I have a great personality

  5) I am honest

  and I think these are all great qualities...I am all about hooking up and doing the "thang"...but be honest with your intentions...

  NO players need apply because you will fail the interview....

Check this one out...great video clip...

http://www.hivend.com/?p=81

Day 17!

Day 17 Friday March 25, 2011

       Ok so Friday felt like 4 days wrapped into 1... Met a few friends after work and that turned into a lot of conversations, a lot of walking, a lot of people watching, and a lot of jokes....and by jokes I mean people...

   I have decided after this whole challenge, I am going to continue with a new blog....this new blog will be "The Adventures of  Mating, Dating, and Avoiding.". I swear there are some stupid ass people out there and that should make fun for a new blog. I want to expose the real world of dating. I want to explore on-line dating, on-line hook ups, bar hook ups (which I have experience in), friends setting me up on dates, me finding a date, real dates...you name it, I want to explore and report.

   So many people put up such a facade and when it comes down to it 6-8 hours later (AKA...The Morning After) they are not at all who they say they are. I want to dive into the actual psychology of it and break it down to what it truly is.

   I guess I should explain where this came from. Friday was a night of 1 person saying "Woof" to me...which PLEASE anyone feel free to explain what that means...I mean really... am I supposed to pee on your leg or something? What does that mean? How does one respond to that? Was I supposed to "Woof" back, growl, sit? I don't get it. The next was a not so attractive guy but really sweet and I spoke to him for a little while until my friends started to tease me and he walked away...poor guy... then it went to the occasional ass grabbers which those losers don't have the balls to say anything...and finished with a guy who was totally my type and we spoke for a while and he asked me to sit and talk and got me a drink. Things were going well and I thought, "Oh no... I need to be careful because I am ready to go."....that is until, he looked at someone guy with a really nice body, but a F'D UP FACE...they looked like a praying mantis for crap sake!! So I looked and said....(because at this point, I had enough...)

"Are you serious? Really? That thing? Look, you can workout a body to look good, but ugly is forever."

Him:" What? Has a great body."

Me: "yah but you have to eventually look at the face and that's about as appealing as Pearl Harbor being attacked."

Him: "Well you have a great face."

Me: "Yes, I am aware of that."

Him: "I'm just looking at him."

Me: "Oh no, do what you want, I just met you and have no intentions on doing anything with you, so please knock yourself out...oh and you weren't just looking because I saw you smile and nod your head for him to go over to the corner."

Him: .....No response

Me: "yah...don't try to play me, I am way smarter than you think....and thanks for the free drink"

   I want to get inside these hookers heads...I swear, at least I am honest about my intentions! So as you can see, I wasn't aroused anymore and the mere thought of being with anyone was pissing me off.....

   YAY!! for that distraction.

  Keep it real and keep it safe people!

  Here you go:

 

Read 10 facts on HIV/AIDS

Day 16!

Day 16 Thursday March 24, 2011

  Gosh 16 days now...this is unreal....I am excited...but not that excited!!! The weather is really crappy and scary today...what the crap mother nature??? So this is making me not want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep...yay for distractions.

   Still thinking about _______(nameless) from last night....wow...what a great kisser...actually I wouldn't mind a little kissing right now... It's so funny because I was thinking about Tuesdays post and how messed up I was...and this blog will kind of tie into it because I had been thinking, "What prompted this change" and the answer is kind of all over the place but I can get some of it down and explain what happened since.

   So as you all know, I was this awkward, ugly, skinny, dork...now I am just lean, dorky, and attractive to some...lol...anyhow, when I had my first experience with a guy, I ended up moving out of Fresno and I moved to Sacramento where I knew only 1 person...Tracy...one the most amazing people in my life. I love her and she has always made me feel good about myself because I could tell her my deepest darkest secrets, desires, and thoughts and she either laughed or said "that's hot"...hahah I love Tracy! So when I moved to Sacramento, that is when everything changed. I was able to explore my sexuality freely without the watchful eyes of F'D up Fresno people...minus my friends there, I love them.... anywho...When I moved to Sacramento, I was noticed... I mean people looked at me...and they really looked and I was confused. How is that no one really looked at me in Fresno but in Sacramento, I am attractive and I realized, well Fresno is just a different market...I'll just leave it at that...

   In Sacramento, I was desired. I felt that people wanted me because of my physical looks and I was so happy about that. I was finally the guy who was attractive and part of the "good looking crowd"! I was in my prime and I was taking full advantage of it. I mean I slept with so many people in a week. I couldn't keep up with myself. I had choices of who I wanted to be with. I didn't have to look for anyone, they looked for me. They approached me. They wanted me. Talk about intoxicating. I was so incredibly intoxicated with this new found attention. I was the hot guy... I couldn't even tell you how many people I hooked up with because I lost count. Now please understand, I did use protection at ALL times! Very important to me.

   So there I was, the ugly kid had now become the hot guy and I was taking full advantage of it. I could care less about anything else. I had become what I has always compared myself to....hot guys....hot times....a couple of hot chicks....hot sex... 3somes...3 people in a day...you name it, I was doing it... and in the midst of all this, I had never been so lonely. I realized that all this attention full filled the hurt from the past, but it never full filled me as a person. I spun way out of control and forgot who I was. I became the mean guy to those who were me... I looked down on those people I once was....because I thought "Now you will all know what I felt!"...and that's just not me...so I now took all of the insecurities and made it into something else.... I was the hot guy, but I was a horrible person. I let all this attention changed the sweet, fun, innocent side of what made me a great friend and a good person. It took a while for me to get back to where I was and it was a very lonely time. When I tried to date, I was told no one took me seriously because of the fact I was known for hooking up with a lot of people and they were only on the date to hook up with me... I was a joke of sorts. It took a long time for me to clear up that mess I created, but I found some good people in that time....and those stories will be saved for another time.... 

  Some interesting articles:

http://www.aidshealth.org/news/

Day 15!

Day 15 Wednesday March 23, 2011

  OH WOW!!! NOT GOOD!!! I was so close to failure....SOOOOOO CLOSE!!!! I met a few friends for cocktails at Happy Hour... THAT DAMN HAPPY HOUR!!! Gets me every time... I need to learn when to say no... Maybe next years Lent...

   Anyhow, I saw this guy outside and I thought, "Wow!! That guy is really attractive and the dormant desire awakened like a spring flower....so lame I know,...straight out of a romance novel... I thought the guy looked familiar and low and behold I knew him...well knew of him and he was hanging out with our group. So ________(nameless) and I started talking a little after he greeted everyone else and we chatted off and on for a little bit and I have no idea what happened but the next thing I know, we are kissing....yes I know...in a bar...classy...so classy....but WOW was he an amazing kisser!! LIKE AMAZING!!! So that when on for a while but have no fear folks I had a team of referee's on hand who made sure I followed the rules... and I followed them...it took everything in me not to break them though...oh gosh I wanted to break them so badly... Do you know how difficult it is to find a good kisser?? I am all about the kissing...it is sometimes much better than sex...much better and if you can find that person, it makes the rest so much better.

   Well so we kept it going all night and I had to leave because if I didn't, I would have blown this whole thing....and that can be taking in so many ways... So you see folks.... I am in great shape and completely frustrated yet again!! AWESOME!!!

  SUCK IT PEOPLE!!!! SUCK IT!!!! I AM OUT!!!

Here is a cool place and I have been there:

http://www.outofthecloset.org/donate.html

Your donations to Out of the Closet Thrift Stores help in the fight against HIV and AIDS. Items in salable condition generate tax-free sales, which in turn fund life-saving medical care.

You can drop off your donated items at any of our locations throughout the Greater Los Angeles and San Francisco Bay areas.

Day 14!

Day 14 March, 2011

 I have made 2 weeks!!!! 2 F'N WEEKS!!!! WOW!!! Where has the time gone?? Oh I know where... SLOWLY!!! Actually I am feeling really good. I have no desire still so I guess this is good! I have been keeping busy and have been distracted and by the time I am ready for bed, the mere thought of any action with anyone or myself seems tooooo tiring and I don't have the strength, so I told myself, "Not tonight honey. I am tired and have a headache." Gosh, I hope I don't cheat on myself....

   Anyhow, 2 weeks,...wow... I had an interesting conversation with a close friend and I thought I was being this amazing angel and this friend who shall remain nameless has not had sex in over a year and a half!!! "WHAT!!???!!??!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?" was my response....and don't get me started on the other thing that hasn't happened in even longer!!! I think there is something wrong there and I voiced that. I mean, come on, there is no way I could go 1.5yrs + without sex...I would be a mess....so then I reflected back and there was a time in my life where I went 7 years without sex... 7 YEARS!!!

   I had totally forgot that part of my life. I can't believe I forgot...but you see there was good reason for that 7 year stretch....and that reason was because I was not attractive...or at least I was told so. For those of you who didn't know me back in the day or lost contact during times of my life, I was a very skinny , dorky looking, awkward teenager, young adult, and my 20's....yah... It wasn't one of those awkward phases....it was more of an awkward decade plus some. I was never really seen as the attractive one. I was mainly seen as the guy with the personality who couldn't get a date because everyone saw me as "the friend". You can only imagine the let down. I remember always looking at other guys and wishing I could look like them... OH this is the time where I dated only women.... So I would look at these guys and envy how they look, always comparing myself only to feel even worse about the way I looked. I would see how people reacted to them, how people gathered around them, how people would look at them and all  I wanted was that attention. Yes I will admit, I had no self esteem...I hated the way I looked....I hated the way was... I remember I would not wear shorts or t-shirts until I was in my mid 20's because when I did, I felt everyone looked at me and laughed at me. I felt like I was this freak of nature. Some people were mean and would laugh but I do have to say, I had great people in my life as well. I just remember going to sleep and praying and wishing every night that the next day I would be attractive.... that someone would look at me and think I was attractive...that I would look in the mirror and like who I was and what I looked like. I've never really spoke of this because I wanted to forget that feeling. I joke about it now saying I was skinny and ugly but never have I spoke in depth about it.... Gosh, looking back today, I feel so sad... now don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of body image issues, but I am learning to accept those...and I do get insecure about myself and the way I look when I am around good looking men and women...and I do think, "Why would any of them want me"... I haven't gotten over all of it and I am not sure if I will but it isn't as severe as it used to be....

HIV/AIDS INFORMATION:

Treating HIV/AIDS

Since 1987, when the first anti-retroviral drug was approved for treating HIV, many life-extending advances have been made in drugs to treat HIV/AIDS. That first drug, azidothymidine (AZT), is now one of more than 22 drugs that have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drugs Administration (FDA) to fight AIDS-related conditions.
There are four classes of anti-retrovirals:

	Nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs)
	Non-nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NNRTIs)
	Protease inhibitors
	Fusion inhibitors

    

Day 13!

Day 13 March 21, 2011

  Today I am almost settled into my new digs, so not much to report here. I have not been in the mood or had any desires which is weird for me but I am liking the non-distraction factor of this!  I am wondering if this is my body just giving up for a while and it will sneak up on me like a tiger and pounce or is this me just being so busy I don't have time? I guess time will tell.

   Someone at worked asked me today, "Jason, are you single?" to which I replied, "Perpetually!" and she said, "Why??? Don't you want to be with someone?" and I said, "It's not that I don't, it's just not a priority or something I look for. If I meant to be with someone, I trust life will have that happen."...then she said something  that struck me....she said, "Do you want to be alone forever? Like, grow old by yourself? Live by yourself with no one to share your life with?"....my first reaction was "BACK THE F*** OFF ALREADY!!!" but when she said that, I felt this cold chill come over my body.

   I thought about me growing older and being alone....Celebrating markers in my life alone.... Being elderly and being alone... When my family is gone, I am alone...(not that I am close to them...but still)... I then thought, "What am I doing? What have I been doing? Do I want to be alone or do I want someone to share my life with?" Don't get me wrong, I am not about to rush out and find the next relationship, but for so long I have been so anti-relationship I have not thought about the future. I try to live in the moment as much as I can as to not miss what is right in front of me, but should I be thinking about this "future"? I am having so much fun right now and I don't want to be tied down or responsible for anyone....but I am not opposed to it if the right person and situation were to present itself.....but I have to be honest..... There are a lot more people I want to experience before I settle down... Of course as I say this watch I meet someone... but really... I am not that douche bag guy who claims they like someone and lays on the lines and game thick, I am honest about what I want and I have always been that way.

  I may come across as strong when I say, "Look, we're both adults here and I am not into relationships. I think you are very attractive and I want to be  with you right here, right now, and tonight. If you're down for this, let me know. If you're not, I totally understand." I have always been able to pride myself on that sort of honesty and I do not play games or lead people on.


 AIDS FACT!!!!:

 Over the past 27 years, nearly 25 million people have died from AIDS.¹ HIV/AIDS causes debilitating illness and premature death in people during their prime years of life and has devastated families and communities

   That is almost 1 MILLION people a year!!! Not all sex related of course...but it goes to show how serious this disease is!

Day 12

Day 12 March 20,2011

***** This day is also supposed to be a videoblog which will hopefully be up this week******

Day 11

Day 11 March 19, 2011

**** So this post will be a video blog which be uploaded hopefully this week....keep you posted****

Day 10!

Day 10 March 18, 2011

   DOUBLE DIGITS YA'LL!!! I made double digits!!!! So Friday was a blast....WAIT!!! No blast...if you catch my drift!

   I had such a fun day! Although I was so hot and bothered. I went to work and did my Friday thing as usual and then I was told to go to Happy Hour and I thought, "Meh! Sure! Why not!"...well that's where it all started. For those who don't live here or go to our version of "Cheers" (old tv show), "Badlands" aka "Sadlands" aka "Lands" aka "TROUBLE"... our Happy hour consists of 2 for 1 drinks and the drinks are average price $5. So yah, you can only imagine the debauchery which has ensued in the past.

   Well I took full advantage of this as a couple of friends who haven't seen in a while showed up and well it got interesting. I was supposed to meet a couple I met from France at another bar so I thought, "why not...keep drinking" and the 2 girls who showed up are actually really hot, so I thought, "Oh this could be fun"...and uhhhhhh sooooooooo

   We were all drinking and inhibitions were running low.... BUT not my self esteem...oh no...that was running high! We all ended up going to the other bar where we met up with the Frenchies....and that folks is where this starts getting good! Add a few more drinks in and I am thinking we should ALL have a "game" night... I hope I don't have to spell that out... if you don't understand it, think about it.... so I kissed 1 of the girls, which turned into a bit more of a kiss, which progressed into a huge kiss and the other girl wanted to as well so I kissed her as well which turned into all 3 of us and a couple of guys thought that was exciting and wanted to kiss me, so I thought, "Meh, why not." and then it was a make out fest and I knew this was going down hill quick and needed to make a decision to leave or go thru with it.....OR...and this is where I am amazingly either stupid or brilliant... I decided, 'WE SHOULD ALL GET SHOTS!!!" because I wasn't drunk enough...but I knew if I drank more, there would be no way I could "perform"... and .... I didn't perform... SAFE AND SOUND!!!! Now the hang over the next day...not so much fun...

   So there you have it folks... safe and sound....

 

Here's something cool:
http://freehivtest.net/

Day 9!

Thursday March 17, 2011

  I am almost to 10 days!!!! WOOO HOO!!! DOUBLE DIGITS!!! I don't think I have ever gone this long without anything....well I know for a fact I haven't! I feel like I am in a marathon of sorts. Today is really difficult! This is proving to be even more difficult than expected! I feel like I am about to drool! 35 days left!

   I had an interesting conversation the other day with someone and also a similar one with another person yesterday. We spoke about dating and relationships and how people have different types of relationships. 1 comment came up a few times and that comment was..."Oh______ (insert name) is looking for a relationship/love." That strikes me as odd. How do you look for it? How do you ACTIVELY look for something that can't be seen? I mean I understand you date, you try to change your "hook up" habits, you look for qualities in people....but I feel if you have to change who you are to find it, it won't be successful because you found it under a false pretense of you who are. 

  Humor me on this... Think about it.... You change who you are and how you live your life to find someone to love. Then what? You're still the same person, all you did was change a few habits for the time being. Then say you find someone and then what? You think you'll be that way forever? I could never change who I am to find someone because I would be lying to them. They wouldn't know who I am. How can I expect someone to love me for my good and my bad if I am not 100% me?  Why would I try to actively look for something that should (in my eyes) just happen organically? I know that relationships take a lot and I mean A LOT of work and if I were to find the right person, I am willing to put that time in....but shouldn't finding someone and love just happen? Shouldn't it just evolve? Why push for it? I think the beauty of it can be the story of how it came to be.

   I know if it happens for me, I would like to look back and smile while having coffee with that person on the couch. I would like for us to be able to look at each other and say, "Damn...isn't it crazy how we got here? Isn't crazy how we met and where we are and what we've overcome?" I just don't want that stress of struggling to make another person like me or want me. Just let it happen....just let it be....

   

Day 8!

Wednesday March 16, 2011

  I find it funny that a couple of people I've dated have found out about this and have decided that sending pictures of themselves in underwear or naked would be a funny idea..... Really people??? Really?? With responses like, " I shouldn't be teasing you, should I?". To which my response usually is, "Oh no feel free to....Send more...". Little do they know....Here's the deal... YOU HAVE JUST SENT ME INCRIMINATING PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. You think you're funny? You won't be thinking that when I start an online dating profile for you on some fisting website.... That's right...We broke up for a reason... That reason was most likely because you were a douche knuckle and your pictures don't do a thing for me....except bring me the ammo that makes me hilarious. 

    Physically my friend continues to have a mind of it's own and is proving to be a difficult teenager. I mean he is just all over the place. I wish he would just calm down.... CALM DOWN!!! I am thinking about aversion therapy but am I worried about the long term effects... I mean this is just temporary....not trying to kill it forever.

  So here's the deal... I don't really have a whole lot to say....OH REALLY!!! I know a few of you have just rolled your eyes or have sighed and said "That's a first!"... OH I know who you are!...but I digress... so here's the deal people... Please feel free to leave questions if you have any. I am an open book so don't be afraid to get personal and trust me, you can not offend me. So I WELCOME any and all questions!

   FIRE AWAY!!!!

Here is a great website about AIDS and AIDS Prevention... Please be safe and healthy!

http://www.aidshealth.org/?gclid=CJ2oiMu-2KcCFRtVgwod8WDZ_w

Day 7!

Tuesday March 15, 2011

WOOO HOOOO! I have made it 7 days...well more but I am 7 days in!!! Well not in anything, but into the Challenge!

So today has been a day! I think nature is starting to take over. I had been at "attention" from 7am - 11am... Like a freakn 12yr going thru puberty... I thought I would have to carry a Trapper Keeper Binder in front of my area today! The worst part you ask? Oh that would be the ONE DAY I am wearing fitted pants so you can definitely see what I am packing... Thank you nature for allowing the blood flow to go to the most inopportune place at the most inopportune time...needless to say I have spent most my day sitting down....oh did I mention the 2nd kicker??? I was hosting a possible candidate to hire... Sorry person who shall remain nameless, although it is package, it won't be part of the offer package. So today the shirt was really untucked.

So I am not sure if this is one of the, shall I consider, "side effects" of my journey. I literally felt as if I was back in high school... Maybe it's the 2nd coming of my peak... If I peak during this, I will be PISSED!!! I digress... So I tried to curb today's thoughts, wants, desires by listening to Carrie Underwood...

You know what? Carrie Underwood is a really GREAT singing...no really.... She is!!! Some of her songs were all churched up & stuff & were really well sung. As many of you know, I am a recovering Roman Catholic & I have found solitude in other forms or religion or spiritual paths...but today, I was listening to some of her music & began to think how angry a lot gay people are towards God & religion in general.

Now I feel sad because growing up in a religion where there was so much guilt, anger, violence, sorrow, judgment, and other crap, I am not angry or spiteful. I joke around about saying I am a recovering Catholic, but I am not on any hating band wagon. I think that whatever God is out there is a beautiful one that does not know hate, anger, or judgment. Who are we to say what is and what is not out there? We will never know what is there until we reach that cross road... Like Bone Thugs in Harmony...

So the moral of this story/Blog is... I am tired of having a boner & want it to stop until I am ready for it... Like in 39 Days...

Day 6

Monday March 14, 2011

  I am almost at 1 week and I am feeling good....well not feeling anything at all...especially me...

  Not a whole lot to talk about today... so I guess I'll go into a story instead...maybe about how I realized I wanted to be with men...for the most part...DAAAANGER ZONE!!! Call Kenny Loggins....

   I remember I always thought guys were attractive but not enough or in the way where I wanted to be intimate with or find an emotional attachment to one. I was 29 years old... YES LATE BLOOMER ALERT!!! I figured since I lacked any positive or caring attention from the men in my life, I found other men who where nice to me attractive, but in a different way...not sexual...

  So at 29, I met someone on MySpace (WHAT!?!?!?...Ya'll remember what that was yes?) who was a friend of a childhood friend of mine who had been in the same pictures as I was but had never met. So we emailed back and forth trying to figure out how that happened and then we IM'd and decided while IM'ing we should talk on the phone (now mind you, I thought he was straight). He called about 11pm and the next thing I knew, it was 6am and decided it was time to get off the phone. Before we got off the phone, he asked if I wanted to meet up later that night for beers and go watch a band play. I said sure and that was that. He said he'd come by and pick me up because the bar was close to my house.

  So later that evening, he came by and I don't know what happened but the moment I saw him, I thought , "Oh well this is going to be trouble". We had a couple of beers at my place then went to the bar and had some there then went to go watch the band play. Now the band was playing close to his place so we parked at his house and decided to have a cocktail there....yes...you can see a theme...drinking... As we were there, we were playing music and talking and he made a comment of who I looked like and I said that was a bit of an insult because he looks dorky, and then he said...ready....because this is where I find out he's not straight... "I think he is really attractive...like you."... UHHHHH SAY WHAAAAAAAT? I was so uncomfortable I walked in the kitchen and pretended I didn't hear the comment. As the drinks progressed, so did the convo and at one point he asked if I wanted to make out...and I said... "I'm not into guys like that" and the subject was dropped...and cut to 3 or 4 shots later, I kept thinking about what he said and I thought I really think I should do this....so I walked up and I kissed him.

  As I did, I kept thinking, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I am kissing a guy...WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?". Then I thought, "Well it's almost like kissing a girl....with facial hair....". Cut to the next day, I freaked out... I mean FREAKED OUT! I was so confused because it felt right but it was a guy...not a girl. From there, we saw each other again and it eventually became a relationship...for 4 months...let's just say we're better off friends....crazy...what??? I didn't say anything.

  Now I have been with women since that and even had a relationship with a married couple (man and woman), but for the most part, it just fells more natural (and every Christian coalition will completely pray for my death on that one) but it does...

  I can't make nor would I want to make anyone think that this isn't a choice....yes it is a choice to act on it, but the feeling isn't a choice. It is a chemical reaction the body makes off of numerous factors. For you straight people, when you see someone you're attracted to, doesn't your mind and body react? Is that wrong? Is it natural because you didn't make that happen, but your body and mind did? I am very proud of who I am and what I prefer because I don't let it name me. There is nothing wrong with me (well there a few things, but that's emotional) and I don't need to be prayed for (unless it's out of kindness and well wishes). I am a great friend. I am a loving person. I am a productive member of society. I am just like you. I don't let what I do in the bedroom define me, nor do I define you by what you do in yours.

Day 5

Sunday March 13, 2011

Still good! Going strong!

Yesterday was a friends birthday party & this was a big talk of the party. Cameron interviewed a lot of people for this & I am looking forward to viewing this footage. Should be funny!

So today is a weird day... Ug! Not fun... Well had a fun day with a couple of friends from Sac who I haven't seen in years.

So they are gone and now I have quiet time...time to think...time to be in my head...heh heh WHAT!?!?!

  Listening to the rain is pretty calming. I am realizing when I am alone, I want to....well...."have alone time" CODE WORD ALERT!!! I am noticing some people eat out of boredom while I have "alone time" when I am bored...so how can I equate food to sex? I mean, how do people who eat out of boredom break that habit? What do they do? and what can I do to replace this?

  People are becoming more attractive....I bet they are not really all that attractive but I am pretty sure a tree looks pretty hot right now.

  So let's get back to the party shall we?? I met a few new people because I was known as "The guy who gave it up for Lent"....Well let's get a few things understood, I am not giving it up....giving it up means you are getting some action where I am getting no action...NONE!!! There were a lot of attractive people at this party and oddly enough, I was not in the mood...maybe it was sensory overload.... maybe it was the fact that I looked at it as the statistic of 1 in every 8 people have gonorrhea... TRUE FACT PEOPLE!!! TRUE FACT!!! but we went out and there was DEFINITELY some temptations out there.

   I have noticed something in the past couple of days though... I am finding it easier to talk to people. There is a certain anxiety when you want to go talk to a stranger... a few things can swirl around in your head... like... Will they think I some freak trying to talk to them...and yes that might be so.... Will they talk with me or will they just make it awkward by just giving 1 word answers and looking completely disengaged...not a favorite of mine... Will I back myself in a corner finding out THEY are the freak...that has happened...never a good thing....or do they think I am talking to them to get in their pants?...most likely...BUT not always...but now that sex and junk...or my junk that is, is off the table, the pressure isn't there anymore I am finding myself more confident...

   Strange! More confident now that I am being celibate... Interesting thought... I have used sex as a confidence booster at times...and come on people....haven't we all? I mean, someone whether it's a 1 night stand, or friend, or date, or husband, or wife finds you attractive and wants to be sexual, that makes you feel confident... there is a certain sense of satisfaction and boost...it makes you feel good that someone wants you... that you chemically set off a reaction in another human being... you are a reason someone wants to share a very intimate part of themselves with you. There's nothing wrong with that...

  So I guess that is a lesson being learned....


 AIDS Fact:

In 2006, more than 30,000 MSM and MSM-IDU were newly infected with HIV.

  That averages out to 2500 Men a month......625 men a week.....89.29 men a day ...scary statistic isn't it...

Day 4

Saturday March 12, 2011

Heyo folks!

So last night (Friday) I went on a date... A REAL date... Like reservations, dinner, dressing up a little, a couple of glasses of Preseco, conversation, just us 2...

Background:

So I met him at my New Years party & he wasn't someone I really took the time to stop & talk to. I was all over the place talking with everyone & he got my attention @ one point of the night & started talking to me & it was the first time that night I really noticed him. I mean, I noticed him before, but this was the first time we really spoke & he asked which one of the people were my boyfriend. I said I was single & I have a hard time with all that stuff & dating because I think guys are shady as all get out. He agreed & we spoke about all of the reservations we both had with guys & dating & relationships. We had a lot of similar views on respectful behavior in relationships. So we spoke a lot that night & we have seen each other & done things together a handful of times ever since.

So onto the story at hand. So he made reservations at a great Thai place in the SOMA district of SF. We sat down & started talking & he asked me about everything going on in my life & remembered things I forgot I even told him. He asked me about my new job & was very supportive of it. I asked about everything that was going on in his life. The kicker of the whole thing was, he looked at me when he spoke & when I spoke as well. He looked right at me... That is very different for a guy... Let alone a gay guy... For those who don't know, gay males...ok most not all gay males are always looking over the shoulder at other things....but he looked at me & was engaged. It was awesome!
He then drove me home & did not come inside. We said our goodbyes outside. He then said, "I want to thank you for being so understanding about my schedule & how busy I am. I feel so bad & I really wanted to spend some time with you & I feel bad I can't spend more time, but I promise you my schedule will return back to normal in a couple of months & want to make it up to you." Uuuhhhhhh how awesome!! So we said our goodbyes & this is to be continued....

What I learned:

There just might be a good guy out there. I also learned what a real date is....normally we go eat & then we...well... Bow chicka bow wow... Brown chicken brown cow...but I was so happy & I felt more fulfilled doing it this way. I was happy & it made me smile & made me feel like I could possibly open up to this guy. Hmmmmm to be continued.

Day 3

Friday March 11, 2011

  Day 3....UH WOW!!!!

  So talk about temptation. I met one of the most amazingly good looking person yesterday and of course it has to happen while I do this... thank you! A big F'N THANK YOU!

  Originally from the Netherlands....grew up almost all his life in South Africa...and now lives in Italy... uhhhh thank you people...feel my pain...because that's all that can be felt...

  So I was introduced to him by a friend and we spoke for 7 hours...nonstop... YES nonstop...well except for the kissing that did happen BUT it was in public...no dry humping, no feeling, no touchy!!!

  I made him aware of this journey and he was very impressed...so impressed he opened up and became honest...Here's his story:

   He has a partner who lives with in Italy who he has been with for 12years... his partner met someone in Brazil while he was on a business trip and never returned to Italy... they did not speak for months and after a lot of interference from their friends and family the 2 spoke again and 7 months later the partner returned to Italy saying the relationship did not work out and now he's back to stay. Well this guy has allowed the partner to come back and has tried to work on it for 2 years now. He said the 1st year they barely spoke while living in the same house and there was absolutely no contact. I asked why he has chosen to do this (thinking....uh we're kinda kissing a lot here) and what he thinks he wants out of it.... He said he wasn't sure yet...it was just something he felt he need to do. "It is just a feeling"


   Which leads me to ask..." How does someone just abandon a person they say they love with no regards or respect for that person?" I mean we all leave relationships, but to leave a continent and not return without any discussion is beyond my comprehension. I have heard of people leaving people abruptly, but this takes the cake.  Have we become such a self-serving society that we have lost all respect for what we have built? I would never judge this guy for what he did because I do not know his reasons for doing this, but I feel that there are things I could not forgive.

  What I learned: You never know what a person is capable of... You must believe in who you are and love yourself because no one will make that hurt go away...there is not one person who can heal something like that... You and you alone are the cure for a heart break and betrayal.

  I also learned that I was able to restrain myself from a person which allowed me the chance to get to know a person and have one of the most memorable conversations ever. I found that the entire time I was thinking how badly I wanted to go back to his hotel and do the shmiggy shmagger slugger, but I found a vulnerable side to a person and maybe I was able to help his healing process by speaking to him. Maybe I did somethign right.

  I also was having some really intelegent conversations and that shocked the shit out of me!! HOLLA!!!

 

AIDS FACT:

People living with HIV globally

• 33.4 million people living with HIV worldwide
• 31.3 million adults
• 15.7 million women
• 2.1 million children under 15

Day 2

Thursday March 10, 2011

  Wow!!! Day 1 was interesting!!!

  I went to dinner and while I was walking around, everyone seemed more attractive...DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER!!!

 It's strange... Maybe I am being hyper vigilant because I can't have it or them... not in group form, in plural single sense....temptation will make you do crazy things...and make up words...apparently

 I started a video blog with the help of Cameron so we will be attaching videos soon.

 So I woke up at 5:30 am and I was in the mood like a mutha f'er... I mean for seriousness... I will hold nature responsible for this and not my dysfunctional ways... but I will have you know, I did not do anything about it...not 1 thing... but people started looking attractive again...SHIT!!

 I am thinking about adopting some meditative techniques to help curb the appetite shall it...what the crap am I talking about...WHEN it presents itself.... thoughts??? Suggestions???

 Serious thought of the day:

   I am not really learning anything at the moment but I look forward to the time I do... Today I am trying to take the amazing attention I have for sex and redirect that into work. In simple terms, I am trying to see if I can take all that attention to detail....and put it into work to see if my productivity increases as well as my attention to detail...unfortunately I work directly with 2 very good looking guys so it's a bit difficult at times... especially when they say things like, "Thanks Jason, I am happy you're here. It's nice to have you." hmmmmm, Yah...you can only imagine the thoughts that cross my mind....oh no you can't imagine.... allow me...
1) Oh you haven't had me yet...You'd know
2) Sex on your desk? Why I couldn't possibly ...........turn that down
3) Go ahead...

  I mean you get the picture... oh did I mention they are straight and have kids... Yes I am fully aware that doesn't mean much...but I wouldn't.....yes I would


  Tomorrow brings another day....see you then!!!

AIDS FACT:

Around 2.6 million people became infected with HIV in 2009. Sub-Saharan Africa has been hardest hit by the epidemic; in 2009 over two-thirds of AIDS deaths were in this region.

Day 1

Wednesday March 9th

                                Day 1 of my 46 Day Challenge: "The Art of NO Sex"!

                             I have a few disclaimers before you read on. They are as follows:

1) I am gay....well mostly...still dabble from time to time...no harm no foul... If this bothers you, I understand, but please do not comment of make judgements because I will block you.

2) I have an inappropriate mouth....which means possible vulgar language.

3) I will be exposing very personal information (i.e. #1)....which honestly scares me...but this is a journey of growth and development and I must do it.

4) I reserve the right to expose anyone....kidding!!!

                                                              So let us begin:

   This challenge all started with me wondering what I should give up for lent and I couldn't think of anything. Then I said, " I know! I'll give up sex for lent!" to which a few friends laughed and said things like "You're a sex addict", "You will never make it.", "Riiiiiight"....which actually a couple of the comments struck a nerve with me. I know they meant nothing by it but it made me think, "Am I really this way? Am I bad for being like this? Do my friends seriously see me as a slut or a whore?"

  For the most part..like 99% was all joking and making up rules and funny things like that! Speaking of rules:

1) No sexual intercourse with men or women...apparently women count in this as well...(giving or receiving)

2) No (VULGAR ALERT!!!!!) Hand Jobs (giving or receiving)

3) No (VULGAR ALERT!!!!) Blow Jobs...or shall I say PC: Oral sex! (giving or receiving)

4) No dry humping in dark corners of bars...courtesy of Cameron Stiehl

5) No masturbating...I'm scared now....

   So you see folks...this will be a very BIG challenge as I am a very sexual person. Now don't get me wrong, I don't go sleeping around and have 15 partners in a week....FAR from that...but I am really sexual...

  Why am I doing this? That's a great question..... I don't know why.... There are many reasons why I guess:

 READY FOR THIS???? Here comes the complete honest part and exposing myself......

1) I replace sex for anything and everything when it comes to a relationship. I can fix others relationships and guide them into being in healthy one's, but I can't fix mine because I am petrified of intimacy and having to be close to someone. The mere thought of opening myself up like that and risking the chance of being hurt sends me into a shere panic. It brings on the worst anxiety.... It makes me mad....so I do what I do best and I make people feel as if they are close to me by having sex and being sexual with them. I do what I can physically to fulfill them (heh heh heh...whaaaat??) so they feel that they are satisfied emotionally....lord knows they're satisfied sexually (WHAT!!! I said there would be humor!!!)

2) I have no idea what love is....not a single clue... I am 35 years old and have no clue what love is. I mean I think I have a grasp of what it should and could be, but nothing! I look at people and wonder how they do it...how they feel....what they feel....and I sit there and I am saddened. There are so many versions and ideals of what love is, but the only thing I can honestly say I love is my mom, most of my family, my friends, and sex (because I am hella good at it!! Seriously folks)... I am not looking for love in this journey, but maybe an understanding of it.

3) I just want to see if I can do it! I want to see how far I can push my limits... I really feel this may be physically not healthy for my body, but we'll see... If there are problems I will be smart enough to abandon this challenge!

    So are they any of you out there that think I can't do this??If so, put your $$$ where you mouth is... 

   SERIOUSLY!!! Place a bet and if I do this, ALL proceeds will go to AIDS LIFECYCLE!!!! 

                                        http://www.aidslifecycle.org/

   I will not spend one single penny of it on myself... and if I lose, well I'll be taking suggestions!...Comment and let me know what you think a good punishment would be...

  Well folks... I could go on and on, but I wouldn't have anything to write about tomorrow....soooo stay tuned for more....